Friday, December 29, 2017

Montecristo New York Connoisseur Edition - Cigar Review

You see, the price of undershirts went up at Bi-Mart. So I held off till a Walmart trip. Would you believe I then found-out they went up there, too? So long story short, Santa didn't bring me undershirts. But he does make good with the cigars...

NOTES:
Burns outta the gate into a runner which extends the 1/3's most. After correction via rest and expert Bic-flick finaglings, it never don't require retouchings and rolling in phalanges. Some resting too. It's not a cruise-control thing by any stretch of one's imagination. The thing actually goes plum out outta nowhere at its mid-point. Seams widen ahead of mascara-line. Ash builds quite well, all things considered. A decent amount of smoky-smoke, but wispily-so. Construction I'm sure is at least somewhat accountable for the runner at the start. Draw is a nice 'nuff medium tension. Press holds well. Seams which are off the burn hold fast and nigh invisibly-so. Smoke stays cool and shaft firm to the wire.

A docile yet sharp pepper-spice rides tandem with sour notes a-top. Retro-hale is tangy, adding not much to the blend. A salted sweetness lifts them from their nethers. Salt seems to enhance the sours. Bitter notes ebb and flow, failing to entrench themselves into the profile. Smoothly textured in a rather weak manner that is felt in the light-body. Not overly balanced, but whispered notes don't high-light that transgression.
  • Pepper, black
  • Oak
  • Baking Spice
  • Coffee, thin, black
  • Lemon Zest
  • Salt
  • Wine, dry red cooking stuff (1/3, 3/3)
  • Chocolate, dark (in&out then out.)
  • Grains, toasted
  • Barnyard (rising)
WRAPPER: Ecuadorian Habano
BINDER: Nicaraguan
FILLER: Dominican

STRENGTH: Mild-Medium
FORMAT: No. 2 6x54 Box-pressed Torpedo
ORIGIN: Tabacalera de Garcia Ltd., Dominican Republic

FINAL GRADE: B-
A 90-100 B 80-89 C 70-79 D 60-69 F 0-59

The Montecristo New York Connoisseur No. 2 Torpedo is available over at Cigars City. Your mileage (other than combustion issues, maybe) might vary from mine. I ain't a fan of sour-tangy. The lower than optimal grade is on account'a the burn issues. Not subjectively connected to my palate. Although the lack of balance... yeah.

Report a typo, win a No-prize.

"(Pardon My) French Toast" Kaplowitz Radio: December 27, 2017

Thursday, December 28, 2017

San Cristobal - Cigar Review

To read a newspaper is to refrain from reading something worth while. The natural laziness of the mind tempts one to eschew authors who demand a continuous effort of intelligence. The first discipline of education must therefore be to refuse resolutely to feed the mind with canned chatter.
People tell me that they must read the papers so as to know what is going on. In the first place, they could hardly find a worse guide. Most of what is printed turns out to be false, sooner or later. Even when there is no deliberate deception, the account must, from the nature of the case, be presented without adequate reflection and must seem to possess an importance which time shows to be absurdly exaggerated; or vice versa. No event can be fairly judged without background and perspective.
The above from one Mr. Aleister Crowley, The Confessions of Aleister Crowley (1929). It has nothing to do at all with anything herein. Lettuce looksie this fine cigar, gentlepersons... 

NOTES
This San Cristobal, a Nicaraguan puro, combusts on an even 'nuff line with an occasional slight sorta ripple. Nothing require-some of redirection via Bic-flick. Its pace does err towards the hasty side of moderate, building quickly a dense-pale inch easily at a time. Excellent smoke out-put both active and at rest, unfortunately, my breezy carport lounge carries away any hope of room-note sniffings. Rolled expertly-well: tight even seams, excellent smooth draw, and zilch hard/soft spots and/or softening. Form holds well to the coolly delivering nub.

Once the pepper front settles, a sweetness comes in to balance with its own under-belly of assorted spices which mimic a rub seasoning and overall are verily well-delineated. Lightly salted bitter notes get more stage-time in the second-half. Sour contributions are lacking, but it somehow doesn't rock the balance boat too heavily. Smoothly textured in spite of lotsa woods and being sans cream per se. Heavy and full but too somehow shy of rich, perhaps back to that lack of cream. Fairly straight-forward but there are nice additions along the way. It just seems to march ahead, undeterred. This amplifies the feeling of it being paced in haste.
  • Pepper, black and red (front-loaded)
  • Wood, oak. Lumber?
  • Coffee Beans, full city roast
  • Tobacco, dark toasted
  • Cumin
  • Molasses
  • Brown sugar
  • Paprika
  • Ginger (fleeting)
  • Graham (fleeting)
  • Leather, stiff
  • Salt
  • Manure
  • Top-soil
WRAPPER: Nicaraguan
BINDER: Nicaraguan
FILLER: Nicaraguan

STRENGTH: Medium-Full
FORMAT: Toro "Supremo"
ORIGIN: Tabacalera Cubana S.A. "My Father" Esteli, Nicaragua
BLENDER: Don Pepin Garcia

FINAL GRADE: A-
A 90-100 B 80-89 C 70-79 D 60-69 F 0-59

The San Cristobal brand is manufactured by Pepin Garcia for Ashton Cigars.

This sampling came courtesy of Cigars on 7th.
My personal haunt & Eugene OR's premier cigar shop.
Cigars on 7th. Conveniently located on Lincoln.

Report a typo, win a No-prize.

"The (Pardon My) French Toast" Kaplowitz Radio: December 26, 2017 

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

"(Pardon My) French Toast" Kaplowitz Radio: December 27, 2017



w/ special guest-star Tony, of a very near-future new podcast project.

We talk about the Cigar Aficionado Top 25 of 2017, the up-coming project of course, and where else science says we have taste buds. Also: Mario Batali and a pre-emptive P.S. apology. Tune in, Gentlepersons!!! I also gather my aplomb to end in the familiar Kaplowitz Radio fashion of dryly reading from my blog.

(Contains explicit language. Sorry, Rabbi.)


Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Alec Bradley Post Embargo - Cigar Review

I'll only agree to 2018 if it promises to be no worse than 2017. If no-one can pinky-swear me on that, I ain't going. Not my calendar. Nuh-uh.

I'm on my porch now. It's 8:30am and the only time I'll get a go at a cigar to-day. Lettuce see about that go...
Thank-you, gentlepersons, for supporting my cigar modeling career on Instagram.

NOTES:
Other than a slight and self-correcting curvature-to-burn near mid-point, the construction and combustion of this AB Post Embargo are sans critical critique comments. Pepper-spices are warmly gentle things even blown out the nose where goodly complexities grow to greater ones. Sweetly sour notes lead and get nice salted additions. Verily smooth and supremely balanced. Rich refrains are excellently delivered in a well-paced manner. A slim menu is made-up-for by deep nuances and complex blendings on a wide and long canvass. Finish is a draw extension which allows for a cool dissection.
  • Pepper, white
  • Cocoa Butter
  • Citrus, orange pith & pulp
  • Buttah
  • Honey Malt
  • Caramel
  • Suede
  • Earth
WRAPPER: Honduran
BINDER: Honduran, Nicaraguan
FILLER: Honduran, Nicaraguan

STRENGTH: Medium-Full
FORMAT: Robusto Box Press
ORIGIN: Fabrica de Tabacos Raices Cubanas S. de R.L, Honduras

FINAL GRADE: A-
A 90-100 B 80-89 C 70-79 D 60-69 F 0-59

Get yer own Alec Bradley Post Embargo at Cigars City.
For many, the 1960’s represented a chasm that would throw many cigar enthusiasts into a dilemma. For some, it served as an avenue to explore the tobaccos of different countries and regions. For others, this embargo offered up opportunities for bootlegging and counterfeiting for those who would desperately do anything to get that Cuban leaf into their hands.

Today we pay homage to this history with Post Embargo. Here’s to the privilege to taste the past as the gap is bridged and enjoy the pleasures the future has to offer. The brighter future is here and glimmering with hope.
The above from the co. website as-to this, their offering. One which debuted in 2015.

ADDENDUM:
Went to the movies twixt the first draft of this and editing the finished piece you've been so nice as to read. "Least Star Warsy Star Wars ever. Fun ride, though. Added Disney super powers are mainly okay, except for Leia floating in space posing like a hood ornament." Me via Twitter @kplwtz

"Joshu's Dog" Kaplowitz Radio: December 21, 2017 

Monday, December 25, 2017

A Review of Recent Grade A Cigar Offerings

"Sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit, these men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem. If no one else can help. And if you can find them -- maybe you can hire the A-Team."

Gentlepersons, below is a list as shallow and pedantic as Lois Griffin's meatloaf. It is a list of recent (December '17) cigar offerings I humbly found to be worthy of A (- to +) review ratings.


THE A-LIST
{Names are links to full review.}

"Joshu's Dog" Kaplowitz Radio: December 21, 2017

Friday, December 22, 2017

Henry Clay Stalk Cut - Cigar Review

I'm thinking Haiku / I'm too thinking artwork / But(t) first, like breech birth --
(Zappai?) a looksie at this Henry Clay.

I'm also thinking I need another layer of clothing...

NOTES:
Well-rolled to the eye. As-to performance, there is some softening of density and mild loss of press. Draw is somewhat hesitant at times. Warms-some in 3/3. None of these gripes border on egregious. Burn needs no redirection but ain't on a razor. The loosely-stacked ash does make an inch hither and thither. Nicely paced and smoky side a' moderate. Room-note is a sweet earthiness with manure richness from the draw. Notes are a demure pepper-spice led by warmly sour notes in balance with a sweet umami. Salty/bitter bits roast-well. Smooth and satiating, richly-bodied. Balanced excellently and calmly complex.
  • Black Pepper
  • Espresso
  • Cinnamon
  • Nutmeg
  • Top-soil
  • Molasses
  • Meat, roasted
  • Sarsaparilla
  • Leather
  • Manure
WRAPPER: Connecticut Broadleaf Maduro
BINDER: Dominican
FILLER: Dominican & Nicaraguan

STRENGTH: Medium-Full
FORMAT: Toro, box-press, unfinished foot
ORIGIN: Tabacalera de Garcia, DR
BLENDER: Grupo de Maestros

FINAL GRADE: A-
A 90-100 B 80-89 C 70-79 D 60-69 F 0-59

MORE:
"The name Stalk Cut refers to the technique of harvesting tobacco. In this case, the entire stalk, containing all of the tobacco leaves is cut (as opposed to priming the leaves individually from the stalk). The stalk is then air cured in a curing barn. This method of harvesting has been used before, most prominently on the Liga Privada T52." Cigar Coop

Buy this satisfying Henry Clay Stalk Cut Toro at Cigars City but don't call there asking about the Eye of the Shark.

This offering hit the Cigar Aficionado 2016 Top 25 list at #22 after receiving a 92 rating from the vaulted publication.

Report a typo, win a No-prize.

"Joshu's Dog" Kaplowitz Radio: December 21, 2017

Thursday, December 21, 2017

"Joshu's Dog" Kaplowitz Radio: December 21, 2017



Santa jokes! A reading from The Gateless Gate followed by a later realization that this is probably the last time I'll do that. Sorry, Buddhism. Also, a look at the top 10 of the Cigar Aficionado Top 25 of 2017. MORE... Thanks for listening, gentlepersons!!!

On The Cigar Aficionado Top 10 Cigars of 2017

I was traveling east-bound down Royal Ave. when he turned out in front of me actually right at my side from whatever that street is called. The one by Little Caesars, ya know? He just missed T-boning me by not too much at all. I gave him the finger in a knee-jerk sorta manner. He honked. Revved his engine. HONKED. REVVED.  REPEAT. The windows of his truck were blacked out and when I slowed at a red light, a passenger of his opened the door to get out, then the light went green and I was off. "What am I in a movie?" I mighta said out loud.

More honking. revving. Swerving behind me. I was still carrying the flu in my gut and really wasn't looking forward to being shot. Or beat up. In a bit under a mile, I turned off at my street and undid my seatbelt. Cruised into the driveway. Jumped out. I keep a baseball bat inside my front door, too far away. I stopped carrying a knife because it makes my sweatpants fall off my waist. Did I have a tire iron in my truck? Exposed, I stood there. The truck, looking more militia than it did from my rearview, pulled up sideways onto the curb. Not quite into my drive. 

The door flung open. A twenty-something kid spoke to me from the passenger-side: "Why'd you do that back there?" He whined. "Yeah, man," ditto'd the twenty-something driver. I waved them off, walked inside slowly. They drove on down Berntzen, I imagine all the way to Marshall. 

Why does this year's Cigar Aficionado Top Ten list make me think of this few days ago happening? It's obvious, no? Wet-blanket obvious.

Lettuce delve into the list with first a single-word response on each offering therein, then a brief kibbitz to put a nice ribbon on it all. [If I've given the stick a looksie, the title will appear as a link to my own review.]

1. ARTURO FUENTE DON CARLOS EYE OF THE SHARK: back-ordered.

2. PADRON SERIE 1926 NO. 2 (NATURAL): yawn.

3. OLIVA SERIE V BELICOSO: safe.

4. BOLIVAR BELICOSO FINO: Cuban.

5. ALEC BRADLEY TEMPUS NATURAL CENTURIA: average.

6. ASHTON SYMMETRY BELICOSO: excellent.

7. MY FATHER THE JUDGE GRAND ROBUSTO: over-rated.

8. GUARDIAN OF THE FARM APOLLO SELECCION DE WARPED: hipster.

9. PLASENCIA ALMA FUERTE GENERACION V: place-holder.

10. VILLIGER LA FLOR DE YNCLAN: no.

2017 is the year Cigar Aficionado went full-Goth. The top-three are in homage to deaths. I ancestor worship as much as anyone, but the effort seems strained here, as there were no new blends in the top three. New formats of old list inhabitant blends were forced into place, instead. I assume David Savona is wearing a black velour cape these days, atop recently bought Hot Topic garb. But where's AVO, then? Oh, that's right.

Only a single Cuban offering? ... Cuban cigars are just like any other country's cigars. Some good, some bad, and yes there is a certain characteristic. The same can be said for leaf from DR, Nica, etc. The important thing is that your Cuban is a fake and that's mold on it, not plume. Also, the cello can be left on or taken off. Take it off if yer aging the thing.

No one who's smoked The Judge in my home shop has been at all impressed, and it is a HUGE My Father joint. Warped: I prefer to get my hipster fix from Caldwell, kthxbye. Plasencia? I know a throw-out vote when I see what -- particularly since 2016. And finally, Villiger. The La Flor de Ynclan... No. But I said that already.

All told, an all-time weak list with forced components at its top.

A parting thought: allow me to again reiterate once more that the distinction twixt boutiques and big boys ain't got nothing on the distinction twixt B&M and what I call "internet brands." No Steve Saka, no Skip Martin. No James Brown, no Fred Rewey. Why is the nom de labelle internet brand more apt than boutique? Because the brands we geek about in social media exist mainly in our computers. Not in brick. Not in print. Furthermore, the chasm that divides them from B&M humidors is greater deeper wider than just the difference of boutique(small) |    | (big)brands. Growth ain't the only thing needed to contend. It's a matter of culture, not just audience. Leaf security is a thing, too. Levels of legitimacy (not to offend). I hope this helps. I almost deleted the entire paragraph and didn't put too much editing into it. BREAKING NEWS and laziness and ADHD and all.

EDITOR'S NOTE: I'll post 11-25 in the next Cigar News Weekly Report.

Look to Cigars City FIRST, for anything on this list and anything you like.

Report a typo, win a No-prize.

"A Pooper-Scooper" Kaplowitz Radio: December 13, 2017

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

San Cristobal Elegancia - Cigar Review

The San Cristobal brand marks a collaboration twixt Pepin Garcia and Ashton Cigars (manufactured by Arturo Fuente). Kind of a big-deal tandem. This is kind of a dated cigar review, as this Elegancia was introduced way-back in 2011 at the IPCPR trade-show. I generally operate half-dozen years behind. Now that we're all caught up, lettuce forge ahead with a looksie...

NOTES:
Burns on a curve nigh canoe through the 1/3 then evens-out all on its lonesome. This at a rather quick-pace. Lots of smoke off each end both actively and passively-so. Some aeration and slight pin-point tunneling hither and thither in the burnt-offerings which don't come near an inch'a stacking.  Rolled well insofar as density and tight seams, but the draw is wide-open. Smooth top-leaf is fragile and band-removal leads to cosmetic-only tsuris. Gets a tick heated in the 3/3.

Minimal pepper-spice in a sour-led profile with underpinnings of a somewhat synthetic sweetness. Fairly+ acidic. Smoothly textured with a citric lilting sharper than merely clean. Lace-curtain body and sans richness. Not particularly balanced and/or complex. Finishes a bissell bitey-green harsh for such an other-wise mellow profile.
  • Pepper, white & waxy yellow bell
  • Cedar, green. Green stays, cedar leaves post-1/2
  • Coffee, weak
  • Butter, unsalted (falls off in second-half)
  • Orange rind (lemon in second-half)
  • Pine Nuts, in and out
  • Tobacco, bright whilst dusty
  • Oats, raw
  • Hay
  • Dirt, sunny
WRAPPER: Ecuadorian Connecticut
BINDER: Nicaraguan
FILLER: Nicaraguan

STRENGTH: Mild-Medium
FORMAT: Toro "Imperial"
ORIGIN: Tabacalera Cubana S.A. "My Father" Esteli, Nicaragua

FINAL GRADE: B
A 90-100 B 80-89 C 70-79 D 60-69 F 0-59

This sampling came courtesy of Cigars on 7th.
My personal haunt & Eugene OR's premier cigar shop.
Conveniently located on Lincoln.

"A Pooper-Scooper" Kaplowitz Radio: December 13, 2017 

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Gilberto Oliva Reserva Blanc - Cigar Review Redux

This Gilberto Oliva Reserva Blanc ranked 5th in my Cigar of the Year honorifics. Lettuce give it another look in the same vitola because why not.

NOTES:
Unchanged. Consistency, thy name is this cigar. Just go read the original write-up: Gilberto Oliva Reserva Blanc - Cigar Review. Ditto all that there, here. Really a lovely stick.

Those whom subscribe to my Gentlepersons Weekly Newsletter were greeted by the most recent edition bearing news of art. Art coming to this blog courtesy of moi. Funny thing. I seem unable to art. So, defeated, I took an old schmatta (remember those?) and began to wipe up the charcoal, chalk, graphite, and cigar ash mess of the morning's activities. Below is what occurred. (Click to enlarge each, per yer desire.)

[Art.]



WRAPPER: Ecuadorian Connecticut
BINDER: Ecuadorian
FILLER: Nicaraguan

STRENGTH: Medium
FORMAT: Toro
ORIGIN: Nicaragua

FINAL (REDUX) GRADE: A
A 90-100 B 80-89 C 70-79 D 60-69 F 0-59

The below is from Cigar News Weekly Report: December 17, 2017
GILBERTO OLIVA, SR: DEAD AT 86
The Oliva Cigar Co. founder has died. May his memory be for a blessing.
With familial tobacco roots in 1886 Cuba, Gilberto Oliva fled there during the Cuban revolution to begin work as a tobacco broker in Nicaragua. In the 1970s, because of another revolution, he fled there as well; returning in '95 to start his own self-named brand. Post-boom, he shifted focus to growing, prolifically-so. Retaining those operations even when all else was sold to J. Cortes last year. Cigar-wise, in 2006, with the launching of the Oliva Serie V, brand met map. Soon-after, the NUb, and Cain revolutionized the traditional mother-brand, and the industry writ large. In a score's-time, the company became one of the largest; Esteli cigar and box factory, to boot.
Report a typo, win a No-prize.

"A Pooper-Scooper" Kaplowitz Radio: December 13, 2017

Monday, December 18, 2017

La Flor Dominicana La Volcada - Cigar Review

Did you know that Square Dancing has its roots in antisemitism? It was manufactured as a wholesome alternative to the Jews and their Jazz -- which was, of course, itself created to destroy the world. True story. But this, this is the Tango. Or at least the La Volcada step therein.

Okay, okay. It's about a cigar...

KVELL
  • Superb draw.
  • Bupkis hard/soft spots, well-rolled.
  • Burns even, just not on a razor-line
  • Construction holds in excellent fashion.
  • Ash makes a decent inch of growth.
  • Pacing is slow and easy.
  • Muted but pleasant room-note of a Cavendish lilt.
  • Silky-smooth. Even through the red-pepper'd schnoz.
  • Smoke is about the coolest temp'd I recall.
KVETCH
  • Bit lumpy shaft
  • Seams are less-than tight, less than even.
  • Smoke out-put is a tick thinner than I prefer (picks-up-some throughout).
  • Finish is a bit mottled and short-legged.
  • Can there be too great of a balance? Lulls a bit.
  • Limited flavorscape.
KIBBITZ
Is this why people whom can afford the very best sometimes seem bored by it all? "Fine, bare-breasted slave-girl. Peel me another grape and plop it in my fat mouth if you must." A beautiful tedium which never quite fades on either account. Pepper ups through the schnoz and with it a warm sweetness. Smooth and rich, moderately heavy yet completely unburdensome there. Balanced like the notes of any old lullaby. A meditation on an almost melancholy perfection.

Regardless of the name being that of a step in the Tango, I don't feel like dancing at all. Amourous, perchance. That last sentence is intended to be read with a purr... as I wrote it with one, gentlepersons.
  • Red pepper (Mainly on retro-hale, upped in 3/3)
  • Leather (thick, soft)
  • Wine Cask (chars via progression)
  • Caramelized sugar
  • Kasha (buckwheat)
  • Alfalfa
  • Cordial Cherry
  • Molasses (upped in 3/3) 
  • Barnyard
WRAPPER: Mexican San Andres Maduro
BINDER: Ecuadorian Corojo
FILLER: Dominican

STRENGTH: Medium
FORMAT: Churchill (pig-tail cap)
ORIGIN: Tabacalera La Flor, Tamboril, Dominican Republic
BLENDER: Litto Gomez

FINAL GRADE: A-
A 90-100 B 80-89 C 70-79 D 60-69 F 0-59

MORE:
La Flor Dominicana to Roll Out La Volcada at IPCPR - Cigar News

Report a typo, win a No-prize.

"A Pooper-Scooper" Kaplowitz Radio: December 13, 2017

Friday, December 15, 2017

Top 18 Cigar (& Tobacco) Quotes: Ranked

With every Tom, Dick, and Harry about to post their year-end top-cigar lists, and MINE being published in September, I decided to at once act thricely. I strike while the list-iron is hot, that's one. Two is that I further enchant ya as to #Leafstyle. Three: I get a day-off because lists are EZ. As always, share your thoughts in the comment section below, which is closed.

Ah, but why 18? Life. In Hebrew, the numerical equivalent to the word chai(life) is 18. Please do not pronounce this as you would that disgusting tea. 

18.
"A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke." Rudyard Kipling

17.
"Smoking is indispensable if one has nothing to kiss." Sigmund Freud

16.
"By the cigars they smoke, and the composers they love, ye shall know the texture of men’s souls." John Galsworthy

15.
"Ah, if only I had brought a cigar with me! This would have established my identity." Charles Dickens

14.
"Tobacco is the passion of honest men and he who lives without tobacco is not worthy of living." Moliere

13.
"If you can’t send money, send tobacco." George Washington (to the Continental Congress, 1776)

12.
"Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar." Groucho Marx

11.
"If smoking cigars is not permitted in heaven, I won’t go." Mark Twain

10.
"My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them." Winston Churchill (to some Muslim guy who was giving him a hard time)

9.
"Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman -- or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle." George Burns

8.
"If your wife doesn’t like the aroma of your cigar, change your wife." Zino Davidoff

7.
"If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral." George Burns

6.
"Of the smokers we can learn tolerance. I still do not know one who has complained about non-smokers." Alessandro Pertini.

5.
"A cigar ought not to be smoked solely with the mouth, but with the hand, the eyes, and with the spirit." Zino Davidoff

4.
"Eating and sleeping are the only activities that should be allowed to interrupt a man's enjoyment of his cigar." Mark Twain

3.
"Tobacco is my favorite vegetable." Frank Zappa

2.
"A good Cuban cigar closes the doors to the vulgarities of the world." Franz Liszt

1.
"Tobacco is the plant that converts thoughts into dreams." Victor Hugo

A couple notes. As to #18 I only included it quite begrudgingly. I'm not a Kipling fan and its meter strikes me as off. Following it, #17 might at first seem negative, but Freud does here what others on the list, such as Davidoff, dance around. He doesn't choose a cigar over a woman. There is no woman. Skipping forward to #3, I love-love Frank Zappa. #1 is a personal meditation. Although this may be misleading to say, as I do not meditate. Or perhaps I never stop. Hard to say.

Report a typo, win a No-prize.

"A Pooper-Scooper" Kaplowitz Radio: December 13, 2017

Thursday, December 14, 2017

Gilberto Oliva Reserva - Cigar Review Redux II (Audio) A Kaplowitz Radio Extension of "A Pooper-Scooper"



WRAPPER: Indonesian Sumatra Maduro
BINDER: Ecuadorian
FILLER: Nicaraguan

STRENGTH: Medium-Full
ORIGIN: Nicaragua

FINAL, FINAL GRADE: B+
A 90-100 B 80-89 C 70-79 D 60-69 F 0-59

MORE:
Gilberto Oliva Reserva (Toro) - Cigar Review

Sample courtesy of Fumare.
Reno's most exclusive Cigar Boutique.
Specializing in rare and hard to find cigars.

Report a typo, win a No-prize.

"A Pooper-Scooper" Kaplowitz Radio: December 13, 2017

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

"A Pooper-Scooper" Kaplowitz Radio: December 13, 2017



Baseball Hot Stove stuffs. Shohei Ohtani & Giancarlo Stanton, particularly. Cigar news. Humor? Sure. Comedy? Now that's a strong word. Thanks for tuning in, gentlepersons!

Odds & Ends at the Ides: December 2017

My Fellow Gentlepersons,

Hey, how are ya? Good to hear. Me? Not so good. I'm at the tail-end of the stomach flu and am still asking that you HELP PAY FOR MY DIVORCE. Feh!, you might say. All that aside, lettuce delve into the bullet-points above, below:

The biggest news and why it's atop the above list is that I have pulled back to the topic of cigars only. It's a bit crazy here and I find refuge in the cigar I am smoking. Also, other topics mean more of my time, which has become increasingly limited. All else were ever add-ons so they fall easily away. My apologies if this inconveniences you. Posts will continue to be made daily, including a weekly podcast of Kaplowitz Radio. There will be reviews, news, primers, and special cigar lifestyle meanderings. (Leafstyle, more later.)

Next up is a slew'a points all under the umbrella of social media. Least importantly, please support my burgeoning cigar model career by following me on Instagram (link above). Each day a new image and behold: the slowly played-out ravages of age. 

The Facebook page (link above). I changed its name from Kaplowitz Radio to Kaplowitz Media. Should we expect video? Maybe. Really, though -- the written word (blog) is a form of media, as is the pod. So already I was overly pigeon-held. With the name change also came a username change to kplwtz as in /kplwtz at the end of Facebook.com . In case yer keeping score at home.

More social media. Twitter (again, link above) has become the one place that I somewhat don't hate being part of on the www. So make sure to follow me @kplwtz. It's also a great way to contact me. If ya gotta. Whilst we are on the whole social media thing and with my return to cigar-only content in mind -- please use and look for my personal hashtag across all platforms: #Leafstyle. Get it? It's like "lifestyle" but I used "leaf" instead of "life." Leaf... like tobacco. AND WHOM IS RUNNING THE WE GENTLEPERSONS TWITTER ACCOUNT? Weird, that.

Finally, then we have the direction of Kaplowitz Radio. Some weeks I dryly read from my writings. Some weeks are off the cuff. Where will I/it settle? Dunno. With sports and other topics dropping off, leaving cigars only -- it seems somehow less to read. Maybe I'll read-some and off the cuff-some. Maybe no settling will occur. Who knows? Consider it, as I do, my audio playground. Your feedback is appreciated and can be left in the comments below each podcast, which are closed. I hope this helps.

Happy Chanukah!
Kap

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"A Barbie Queue" Kaplowitz Radio: December 6, 2017

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Sancho Panza - Cigar Review

"Yes, you eat up, friend Sancho… sustain life, which is of more interest to you than to me, and let me die at the hands of my thoughts and in the grasp of my misfortunes. I was born, Sancho, to live dying, and you were born to die eating." Don Quixote.

NOTES:
A fairly cruise-control performance, occasional loose draw and somewhat whispy smoke (although a great leathery-coriander room-note builds on the back of sweet 'baccy). Pepper-spice is mellow but zesty. Smooth in the smoke-hole fruit-dessert richness. Sweet and sour notes play well on an earthen stage. Attainable, or minimally complex, dependant-upon yer spin -- but balanced well and delivered pleasantly. The complexities that do exist are at the finish, unfortunately, are hampered by a sharp cardboard lilt. Come 3/3 that lilt rises to lead the profile, flirting with bite. Purging is an oft-needed thing to get to the band. A high-class stogie and well, I am a fan of Don Quixote.
  • Pepper (white)
  • Cocoa Butter
  • Cedar, buttery
  • Coriander*
  • Allspice
  • Leather
  • Cardboard
  • Mushroom
  • Chamomile
  • Vanilla bean
  • Earth, damp
WRAPPER: Connecticut Shade
BINDER: Connecticut Broadleaf
FILLER: Dominican, Honduran, Nicaraguan

STRENGTH: Mild-Medium
FORMAT: "Dulcinea" 6.1x54 Torpedo
ORIGIN: Honduras

FINAL GRADE: B
A 90-100 B 80-89 C 70-79 D 60-69 F 0-59

NO-PRIZE ALERT:
Congrats to one Mr. Mike Weinstein for spotting my lack of final grade in Hoyo La Amistad Silver by AJ Fernandez - Cigar Review. It's been fixed. Thank-you, sir.

*"When left whole, coriander is as floral as cardamom -- its flavor full of citrus and curry, light and sweet..." Serious Eats.

"Sancho Panza’s proverbs… give me more pleasure than others that are more timely and appropriate." The Duke and the Duchess

Sample courtesy of Fumare.
Reno's most exclusive Cigar Boutique.
Specializing in rare and hard to find cigars.

Report a typo, win a No-prize.

"A Barbie Queue" Kaplowitz Radio: December 6, 2017

Monday, December 11, 2017

La Palina Lp02 - Cigar Review

Is it just me, or are this year's MLB winter meetings a bit meh? We already had Shohei Ohtani choose the Angels and Giancarlo Stanton get dealt to the Damn Yankees. Angels are a great choice for S.Ohtani, because he won't have to transition to a smaller market in a couple years when it's clear he's a long-reliever. As to G.Stanton, that is a truckload of strike-outs for next year's Yanks. What could set them apart from the rest is if the ball goes back to normal -- because they'll be the only things juiced. I can quite easily wait to find out where Eric Hosmer lands.


Ah, but the cigar at hand ...

NOTES:
Combustion burns quick-quick and on a wobbly-ribbon. Nicely smoky even off the resting foot, but drops off fast twixt puffs. Wants to be toked mucho. Binder seems to burn cooller than filler/top-leaf when looked at head-on. Burnt offerings are aerated, flaky. Construction softens spongily, notably-so (so I make note). The draw is a tick airy at front of puff. Seams hold well but are crafted a bit unevenly. Smoke is warm at the band, made to feel warmer via palate abrasion.

A dusty pepper-spice is up-front throughout and ouchy-mama through the schnoz. Balance is off-kilter towards bitter -- particular when woods scorch, but on the +-side it don't bite (but barely). My mouth is dry and I need an H20 sip or several. The sweet-notes seem the most hampered by bitters, and it would seem they were intended to work in tandem. Body seems lacking in meat on its heavy bones. A caring hug from one of those female bodybuilders. Finish is big and short-lived. Complexities bang at that short finish, I think, die quick. Ends with a hint of kerosene. The female bodybuilder yells in my ear, "CALM DOWN EVERYTHING WILL BE OK." Something in her bikini-bottom keeps poking me.
  • Pepper (black, red)
  • Wood (mesquite, hickory. Toasted then scorched)
  • Baking Spice
  • Coffee Beans
  • Fruit (purple-red, dried. 1/3 only)
  • Herbal (dried, McCormick eye-talian)
  • Barnyard
  • Manure
WRAPPER: Costa Rican Maduro
BINDER: Honduran
FILLER: Nicaraguan, Honduran

STRENGTH: Medium-Full
FORMAT: Robusto
ORIGIN: Plasencia El Paraiso Factory, Honduras

FINAL GRADE: C+
A 90-100 B 80-89 C 70-79 D 60-69 F 0-59

MORE:
Give my La Palina Lp01 - Cigar Review a read, will ya? I can't recall fully, but know that was far better.

Both box and band artwork for this La Palina Number Series differ greatly from La Palina's other lines, as well as anything which looks even vaguely appropriate for cigar presentation. Board game? Sure. Card game? Sure. 1970s stock car? Sure. Feh. 

The inspiration for this look is that of an artist named Paul Rand. He was the first American to employ the Swiss Style of graphic design. I'm sure this all rings many a bell, gentlepersons. How 'bout this: IBM and UPS. Whilst P.Rand doth once did a La Palina design personally, this ain't it. This is merely, to be clearly, influenced by his work. To be further clear, the look is ridiculous.

EVEN MORE:
This morning she spoke of tiny houses and serving the homeless. Of how property or territory (I'm not sure which) is just a social construct. "Maybe there's someone other than me to talk to about all that?" I said. She stopped. The rest of the car-ride was quiet. For the first time divorce seemed to have its good-side. My stomach hurts.

Help me pay for my divorce.

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"A Barbie Queue" Kaplowitz Radio: December 6, 2017

Curivari Achilles Legendario Heroicos - Cigar Review Redux

Seeing as this is a redux review, I recommend first reading my Curivari Achilles Legendario Heroicos - Cigar Review post. Up to you. Although a little bit of freedom is a very dangerous thing. Or maybe that's just me. Lettuce have another gander this Curivari Achilles...


KVELL
  • Draws smooth and even.
  • Cap and shoulder stay well-affixed.
  • Nice smoke out-put, all-'round.
  • Excellent sweet-spice room-note.
  • Finish is quite good. Long, sweet/sour spices.
  • Balance is a selling-point here.
  • Smooth texture with a perfect bissell tingle.
  • Smoke is cool temp'd, gate-to-wire.
  • Complex to a surprising degree.
KVETCH
  • Some softening in spots.
  • Loses box press fairly quickly.
  • Burn operates on a curve.
  • Ash ain't a grower.
  • Pacing is rather fast.
  • Notes are a bit grassy in 1/3.
KIBBITZ
Sweet & sour spices up-top over salted bitters, sans bite. Dusty-warm peppers. Rich and cleanly-so -- not heavy. Flavors are a medium+ as is the syrupy body. Strength kindly trails at a barely medium.
  • Pepper (white, black, red)
  • Mulling Spice
  • Duck Sauce 
  • Apple Butter
  • Fruit syrup
  • Cream
  • Cedar (fresh)
  • Hazelnut 
  • Grains (toasted)
  • Barnyard
  • Compost
WRAPPER: Nicaraguan Habano
BINDER: Nicaraguan
FILLER: Nicaraguan

STRENGTH: Medium-Full
FORMAT: Robusto Box Press
ORIGIN: Tabacalera De Nicaragua S.A.
BLENDER: Andreas Throuvalas

FINAL GRADE: A-
A 90-100 B 80-89 C 70-79 D 60-69 F 0-59

Sample courtesy of Fumare.
Reno's most exclusive Cigar Boutique.
Specializing in rare and hard to find cigars.

Report a typo, win a No-prize.

"A Barbie Queue" Kaplowitz Radio: December 6, 2017

Friday, December 8, 2017

Joya de Nicaragua Cuenca y Blanco (CyB) - Cigar Review

The Cuenca y Blanco by Joya de Nicaragua was introduced way-back in 2012 at the IPCPR trade-show. For a pair reasons, this was a note-worthy launching. First, it marked Jose Blanco's inaugural blend at and for Joya de Nicaragua after being named Sr. VP of the co. Second, it was a blend significantly different than any Joya prior; its leaves being quite the international affair.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

"A Barbie Queue" Kaplowitz Radio: December 6, 2017



Jose O. Padron, may his memory be for a blessing. The Me Too Movement is the Time Magazine Person of the Year? MORE. Thanks for tuning in, gentlepersons!

Hoyo La Amistad Silver by AJ Fernandez - Cigar Review

When life gets ya down, start a new one. Or at least a new something. Gentlepersons, please support me in my Instagram modeling career. Follow me HERE. I gotta say, I have just the best feeling about this. No bikini shots yet, as just to-day my personal first-day of winter happened. I had to wear fingerless gloves. There's something about warm palms that make finger-tips extra cold. Twixt 'em froze phalanges I stuck a Hoyo La Amistad Silver.

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Curivari Buenaventura - Cigar Review

The Buenaventura line and the Curivari brand all-told, should become more familiar to you(we) American Market cigar enthusiasts. Curivari launched back in 2003 Europe, coming state-side some half-score there-after. Buenaventura itself was launched in 2012 as an inexpensive every-day portfolio addition.

Monday, December 4, 2017

"Crispy Rice & Cottage Cheese" (Swerve) An Abrupt Change of Direction

Did you know that when you mix Crispy Rice cereal (store-brand Rice Krispies) into cottage cheese, they still "Snap, Crackle, Pop" but with more pauses and in baritone? But enough about my lunch.

This cigar is the size of a baby's arm. One of them souvenier bats they sell at the ballpark. A tree limb. It's completely and utterly pornographic and I apologize for this, my smut peddling. It's a Gordo? A Magnum? A Gigante? It's just now lit and burning up one-side only. 6x70 in cigar lingo and for the inadept, six inches long and an inch in diameter, say. This sits atop a Google search via a Bobalu Cigar Co.: "The ring gauge is measured in units of 1/64th of an inch. A 64-ring cigar would be one inch in diameter. Most cigars are between 32 and 52-ring size. For example, a cigar that is called "8 x 48" is 8 inches long and 48/64ths of an inch in diameter." The cigar is a Maduro top-leaf'd thing, rolled in the Dominican and stufft-some with Ligero. Strange I know all that and will now expect ya to believe I've no good clue as to what it is, speaking in-terms of company/brand. Found it unbanded at the bottom of my humidor, I did. "Wink wink nudge nudge" followed by, "say no more, say no more."

Ah, the burn she evens-out. Milk chocolate-y notes hit my mouf fully. This ain't your grandfather's internet cigar review. Yet I do lay claim to the Kaplowitz Family and its roots going back in blogging to 1902. Podcasting, 1918. Insane blathering, 1894. But that simply stemmed from the Rabbinical-source years. Now my Judaism consists of schtick Yiddish, avoiding ham, shellfish, and not avoiding folklore and superstition. Spit upon my own finger-tips and thrice say kineahora. "The derivation of the phrase is from the German kein, meaning no, and the Hebrew ayin ha-rah, the evil eye. The kein and ayin are blended into one word: kein or kayn -- keinahora. (There are many ways to spell it, and in our dictionary we chose kineahora.) When you say the Yiddish quickly, it can sound like "canary," which is why some people can be heard to say, "We’re supposed to leave next week for vacation, so don’t give me a canary."" (The Word Mavens)

There's something sour, a citrus rind in dirt. White pepper. I dressed in the dark this morning, 5am. Donned black socks under black Vans and it looks just atrocious. Thankfully the old pilled and bleach-stained sweatpants atrociously distract. Actually, there's a drop of bleach-stain on the toe of my left shoe. I prefer using bleach when I clean the kitchen. And bathroom. I'd blame my germ centric fastidious on flu-season, but in truth it is a year-round thing. Boxing is a year-round thing, and I tire of it at times like now. Cotto lost, whomever said they saw that coming is a liar until they furnish time-stamped proof. And the Japanese Babe Ruth said no thanks to the Yanks. It's a strange whirled in which we live. At least mine is rather sanitized.

Pale grains. My jaw hurts, sucking on this thing and my own vulgarities have my own lacy panties in a bunch. “Democracy! Bah! When I hear that I reach for my feather boa!” - Allen Ginsberg. Now what kinda homosexual deviant wears a boa? I probably won't post this. Stanley Zbornak asking Dorothy to paint his nails 'cause 'we just invaded Korea.' We find power where we can. I don't really wear panties much, but it's more of a comfort thing. Plus I have a flat-as-board tuchus. Wouldn't do justice to the designer's intent. I can't so-much find the blender's intent within this cigar. Maybe it was just "BIG." That's a noble intent. I guess. It feels funny in my hand. Soft on my palate.

Sweatpants. With thermals under-neath. Fall. Late Fall. I'm on my porch all the time, or the porch of my local cigar shop since I can no longer smoke inside even there. I looked all-over for camaraderie here in the People's Republic of Oregon. Found it there. Brothers of the Leaf is a true-thing. That's why it remains the focus of this blog even when I go stream of consciousness silly. Peanuts... peanut brittle? But soft on my cheeks and only a slight tingle on my tongue. This is a public workout. An exercise in stringing out the thoughts of my ruminations. I got me tsuris. Tsuris that needs unwinding even if it's too late for all that. I probably won't post this.

Maybe I'll post this. An announcement of focus, shifted. Somewhere (and if you find it, let me know) exists a photo of me standing in a crib, wearing my maternal grandfather's fedora drooped over my eyes and with a cigar of his he stuck in my mouth. Imagine if that was done to-day?! To-day what's done is busy-work. After I finish tripping the QWERTY cigar-centric(ish) I'll hit the kitchen again with bleach. Take a shower, no bleach, putter 'round till later when I plan on running errands. Supermarket, mainly.

Have you ever noticed [observational humor, Jerry Seinfeld voice] that the shortest check-out lines keep you standing in them the longest? The other day I jumped behind a pretty lady in high heels (the filth of this post). It was just her in front of me so I figured it'd take a second-or-two only. She had like three items. Then her husband passes in front of me with a full shopping cart and my few items are already on the conveyor belt. Someone else's already behind mine. TRAPPED. And what's with lap throws? My arms and chest are freezing! Leaf blowers? Don't get me started! Where are you blowing to??? A nice cream is poured into whatever this is I'm smoking. There's some bit of cardboard bite, too and tho. Darker chocolate. Stiffer. Darker earth with black pepper sprinkled -- poured in. The Ligero is back-loaded. Strength rises. Notes all bite a bit.

I'm more and more liking Groucho Marx, the Marx Brothers. Wordsmithing suits me better than slap-sticking Stooges truth-be-told. Although this ain't proof a' that and I probably won't post this anyways. Did you know Groucho coulda had Jack Parr's slot? Did you also know that for some reason I cannot get the latest Bill Burr podcast to load/play? It sorta buffers like I was sent back a decade. If I was sent back a decade, I'm not sure I'd be where I am now. Would you? Comment below and BTW, comments are closed. I like to talk at people, not with them, let-alone to them. Tsuris. The Pre-Code Marx Bros paved the way for Lenny Bruce and he paved the way for not being able to say a gosh-darned thing, currently. The world is sad because comedy is dead a bissell. I should know. By the way, I hope you dropped the Seinfeld voice by now -- didn't mean to leave you Robin Williams-ing. Too soon, I know and probably you aren't even still reading. Good on ya. Kineahora.

Send me gelt. Gelt helps the tsuris abate.

My upper lip is schvitzing. Yesterday at the Shop, Cigars on 7th, conveniently located in downtown Eugene OR on Lincoln St. I sucked down a high HIGH nicotine thing and swooned as off-colored jokes were swapped. I hope the fellas and Lenny Bruce didn't think I glazed-over on account of content. In 'real life' whatever that is, I do curse the proverbial blue-streak. Just not here -- publicly. I like that now my Rabbi can read my words. Although not these, as they probably won't be posted. I used to work blue, made more enemies than moolah, stopped. Joe Rogan and Roseanne each took offensive offense as to my words. I won't repeat them. Both people are very nice and very talented. Handsome and pretty, too. The strength of whatever this cigar is, is sitting in my gut. Starchy, like comfort food. But I like less pepper in my gravy.

I think I'll punch this up and post it. Yeah. Or maybe not punch it up. You'll never know, gentlepersons. I don't wanna be held as accountable as a sports writer. Or anything at all, other than Groucho but he's dead. I guess that's the news. I did hint at changes to come. It's gonna get weird(er). Every-time I see a weirdo here in Eugene, I yell "Keep Portland weird!" Meaning, of course, "Gay avec!" From now on, "Come hither so's I can open-mouth kiss ya!" What can go wrong? [Spit upon my own finger-tips and thrice say kineahora.]

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I'll most-likely tell you it was intentional.

"I Got Married" Kaplowitz Radio: November 29, 2017 

Surrogates Animal Cracker AC550 by L’Atellier - Cigar Review

[Or, Hooray for Captain Spaulding]

A 2016 L’Atelier Imports release, this Surrogates Animal Cracker Robusto is way more my speed insofar as size than its 2013 Gordo sister-offering. The blend itself was intended to be the strongest in the company portfolio... that ain't my speed at all. Where do I file a complaint, gentlepersons? I used to walk into the cigar shop and ask for something sweet, cheap, and mild -- just like me. I used to be liked even less.

Thursday, November 30, 2017

Illusione Ultra op. no. 9 - Cigar Review

Right here, under an Illusione banner ad, I dare no DARE no  D A R E  review an Illusione Ultra no ~ULTRA~ offering. I don't even know what to say. Not bad weather to-day, warm 'nuff and the rain is holding off for the most part. A hoodie gets it done, and my sweatpants are aided by long-johns underneath. Nice. Nice 'nuff, anyways. Metal folding chair. Porch. Sure -- nice. How's 'bout them Damn Yankees firing the beyond expectations Joe Girardi, seemingly sans greater plan? Lesser-so nice. 

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Curivari Achilles Legendario Heroicos - Cigar Review

Not all posts require a lead-in, right? Right.

NOTES:
Woe, woe! is the combustion to-wit I saith "Whoa." A quarter-horse rate of speed, yes. Too, a pin-point burn-hole of a visible tunneling opens up there-'bouts an inch-up the shaft from char-line. When the line gets closer, a connective runner develops. Then some canoe threat and finally a mere curvature of burn. The good news? No re-touches are employed... maybe 'cause it happens so fast. I do have in my possession a box-press version which I will perform a redux review on at a later-date*. Pulling the proverbial bad-one might be at play here.

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

La Palina Lp01 - Cigar Review

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Instagram.

NOTES:
A well-rolled cigar which draws smooth, burns on a straight-line -- gate-to-wire. Solid. Mayhaps could-be richer. Delivers via zesty-smooth manner. Stays cool. Sweet-bright spices, berry and citrus additions. Red-flake/produce-fresh peppers, thin cream. Salted fudge as peppery front-load settles. Cocoa butter. Wine cask/Spiced cedar. Crisp earthen under-belly, sweet/sour/spiced complex finish.

Monday, November 27, 2017

Curivari Buenaventura Crema - Cigar Review

Curivari is a brand that would appear rather well-known for its strange business behaviors. It employs odd shipping and order-filling practices, remains incredibly hard to successfully contact, and touts a website which looks a few-years worth of abandoned.

Saturday, November 25, 2017

Diesel Grind - Cigar Review

Real quick, gentlepersons. Snack Tray and I are expected at a Lego Party...

NOTES:
A smallish Robusto that looks tidier than it performs. Rolled well, but suffers-some in combustion (jagged-line with tunnel-threats). Pepper-spice front with close-behind bitter notes. Umami and sour bits balance one-another well and further-back. Flirts with bite, but that's averted via purging. Dryly rich and simply balanced, with notes strung out on a line. There are some nuanced depths, humsoever. Whilst the feel is surprisingly smooth, the bumps come by-way-of a lurching strength that hither and thither comes-on helter-skelter.
  • Black Pepper
  • Black Walnut
  • Baking Spice
  • Molasses
  • Anise
  • Sarsparilla
  • Grapes (white)
  • Leather
  • Manure
WRAPPER: Habano
BINDER: Nicaraguan
FILLER: Nicaraguan

STRENGTH: Full
FORMAT: Robusto
ORIGIN: Tabacalera Fernandez, Nicaragua

FINAL GRADE: B
A 90-100 B 80-89 C 70-79 D 60-69 F 0-59

IN ADDITION
The Diesel Grind line which was previously peddled by Cigars International (CI), distributed by Meier & Dutch (MD), now operates within the General Cigar portfolio. The offering was hi-lit at this year's IPCPR trade-show. The Diesel brand itself is crafted by one Mr. AJ Fernandez (mayhaps ya heard a' him). It's been under the CI/MD banner for a number of years, and since both are owned by Scandinavian Tobacco Group, General Cigar’s parent company... this is vastly meaningless to you and I. Tho the Grind is now a brick & mortar exclusive.

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"In His Gravy"

A Review of Recent Grade A Cigar Offerings

"Sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit, these men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem - If no one else can help - and if you can find them - maybe you can hire the A-Team."

Gentlepersons, below is a list as shallow and pedantic as Lois Griffin's meatloaf. It is a list of recent (November 2017) cigar offerings I humbly found to be worthy of A (A- to A+) review ratings.
Not an advertisement.
THE A-TEAM
(names = links to full reviews)

"In His Gravy" 


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Friday, November 24, 2017

Top 10 Baseball Free Agents: Ranked - A Black Friday Shopping List

With Turkey-Day in the rear-view, I sit here at my Chromebook needing elastic-waisted sweatpants and a belch. 'Twas a good 'un of frozen pizzas, fries, ice cream. Yet it wasn't without its... confusion. For instance, when did Alice's Kitchen become a long-standing tradition on Thanksgiving? I never once heard that-one till yester-day. Terrible song, just terrible. Punishingly bad, really. Twenty-plus minutes worth a' it. And Michael Vick on a football pre-game show which becomes de facto morning-show here on the left coast? That was a surprise. I'm not really familiar with the NFL product. It seems out-of-step with itself. Unsure of both its identity and its fans' identity, as well. Drek, one might rightly say.

Alas 'tis now Black Friday. Big BIG sale day. Why not get yerself an Official Kaplowitz Tshirt? Greatest stocking stuffer since the candy cane. Or at least the toothbrush. Nevertheless, ya got a couple days with-which to thrill the gentlepersons on yer nice list and to SHOP HERE NOW. And if yer in the market for a professional baseball fella, I can help ya there, too.

Lettuce delve, rank...

1. J.D. MARTINEZ, 30, OF
J.D.Martinez is the best right-handed power bat of the crop if not simply its best bat period. He's too shown four-seasons worth of that. He knows how to Walk Like A Man and earn the Silver Star. Four Seasons, get it? It was 2017 though, that he went next-level. Might be a risk to sign him long-term off the strength of those numbers. But really, you won't be tragically disappointed; depending on yer wallet's depth. Defensively, he'll work in either OF corner -- in a Swiss Cheese sorta manner. You're buying a bat, and one with excellent control given its power.

2. LORENZO CAIN, 32, OF
L.Cain is perchance the best all-'rounder herein. Stellar CF glove, speed on the basepaths, goodly skilled in the batter's box. His 2017 campaign was the second in his last-three wherein he topped 15 homers and swiped 25+ bases. He's too hit the .300 mark every-year since 2014. in short, he does everything quite well. My caveat in signing him is that I don't see him getting a lot better, so upswing is somewhat lacking -- and he's not quite marquis. Humsoever, he's clearly the most employable of the soon-to-be drained Royals, and would fit well somewheres twixt your spark-plug and plate-cleaner.

3. WADE DAVIS, 32, RHP
W.Davis is wherest ya start if you need to buy a closer. And many do, so many will. His 32 saves and 2.30 ERA last year was very nice, but his walk-rate was the highest he's yet tallied. However, he was healthy all-campaign, a correction of 2016's double-DL stint. Bottom-line: you'll over-pay if you sign a check that covers a hurler whom can go more than an inning per-outing. Too, you may have to use him even more sparingly if your season goes long. A superb closer, nonetheless, supreme if not asked to much of. Very much a throw-back positioneer.

4. ERIC HOSMER, 28, 1B
E.Hosmer has some very nice tools he brings to the table. Good glove, avoids the DL, is patient at the plate. Also, he's a young gun-for-hire at 28. He won't fill the rock-star slot, but will furnish yer team a driving heart-beat. He's fresh-off recording a career year in the batter's box, and dinged 25 dingers for the second in as many years. For all his youth, he can lead both by show and by go and too, has post-season experience galore. Sign him long-term and he could be the driving-force of yer team for many a campaign to come.

5. SHOHEI OHTANI, 23, RHP/DH/OF
S.Ohtani appears lower on my list than about any other you'll see. In fact, he almost didn't appear at all, since every list which includes him is in err since he's not been posted yet. I include him here, as a warning. Japan's level is twixt AAA and MLB. Think the 2017 SanFran Giants. He hits and pitches, but all scouts say he's a pitcher. I say he's a long reliever or 5th-starter, ultimately. Japanese imports really have a crummy resume state-side. Buy him to put a curious tuchus in each stadium seat... not in a meaningful effort to win.

[I'll break from my 100-words for each player format here to go-on: Many applaud his leaving money on the table by coming here at 23 instead of waiting till 25. Just two years. He's had injuries, ya know. He's recouping from surgery now. I call endorsements money-grab whilst the grabbing's good. With the NPB complicit. Am I the only one? Read my: Shohei Otani: Is the Japanese Star Destined to Don Pin-Stripes in 2018? for more.]

6. MIKE MOUSTAKAS, 29, 3B
M.Moustakas blasted a Royals-record 38 homers in 2017. Whilst 'nuff to surpass Steve Balboni's mark -- it ain't really that much. Remember: juiced balls. Plus, his .305 career OBP is far from wow. Although youth doth serve him, his only mainly serviceable hot-corner mitt lesser-so doth. Plus, I don't see his path to becoming N.Arenado. Avoid him unless you are in pedal-to-the-metal win-now mode. Also if you're pockets are deep 'nuff to brush off a loss. Or, see if the market is on yer side and unwilling to over-pay for a solid guy whose best weapon may be as fan-fodder presence.

7. YU DARVISH, 31, RHP
On paper, Y.Darvish is your best option if in need of a starting pitcher. He's not just another pretty arm, tho. He's showed an ability to adapt via tweaking his delivery mid-summer. Just ignore his World Serious collapse. Hey, we all have bad days. Twice. In-a-row. Also, whilst that adaptation showed IQ, he did need to adapt in the first-place. Perchance slick Fall Classic balls take the blame for 1/2 them slumps. He's a strong second-starter, methinks. Unless he can't rebuild after the debacle of being named the 'Stros MVP. Insure yerself by getting a better skipper than Roberts.

8. CARLOS SANTANA, 32, 1B/DH
The dark-horse of my list is C.Santana. We could either look brilliant or 'special' here. Lettuce hold hands and drive-off together in oblivion. Shall we, Louise? I'll start with his great strides in defensive improvements at 1st-base. We'll add that to his proved presence at the plate. Did I mention he's a switch-hitter sporting a .365 OBP? The knock? He's 32. But if ya don't need all of what Hosmer offers in intangibles, this guy is yer guy right now -- for much cheaper. You could also extend his sell-by-date by plugging him into a DH role, if you're so able'd. 

9. JAKE ARRIETA, 32, RHP
J.Arrieta shows that durability is more than just showing-up. Whilst he doth show, what also shows is a 2mph drop-off on his number-one since 2015. That's a mile-a-year, and also matches my running-log to perfection. Too, he did recently miss time last campaign via bum September hammie. Hey, he's no spring chicken. But he does tout a nice 2.90ERA with 92K in his last 105 2/3 stanzas. In short, he's a righty with good 'nuff stuff to be an important win-now addition to anyone's rotation. Unfortunately, the asking price of that service projects to be of quite a height.

10. ADDISON REED, 29, RHP
Bummed you can't swing Ohtani? Why not skip ahead to whenst Japan's Babe Ruth becomes a long-reliever and nail-down the 29 year-young A.Reed now? For a couple campaigns, the righty hath been perchance the most effective set-up man in all MLB. Plus, he has closer experience and could become a new-fangled two-stanza stopper. Interestingly/tantalizingly, his numbers indicate he handles right and left-handed batters equally-well. A load-off for any skipper. The knock here is he gave up 11 homers in 2017. An uncomfortable amount for the roles indicated. But he gets the job done and maybe they'll re-replace the ball.

IN ADDITION:
Greg Holland is a straight no-buy and steer-clear of. Coming back from Tommy John with his first-half/second-half splits, raise every red flag ever there were in that surgery's recovery. Todd Frazier is a nigh expiration-date Moustakas, with a Damn Yankee fetish. Leave him be. Sign Jay Bruce only if you need an old lefty power-bat whose story is worth more than his services.

But really -- do make sure you buy an Official Kaplowitz Tshirt or two HERE.

Partagas No. 10 - Cigar Review

Happy Black Friday. Go get an Official Kaplowitz Tshirt. The perfect stocking stuffer for the gentlepersons on yer nice list, as long as there are no follow-up questions. Available for the next couple-days HERE.

That bit of capitalism run amok aside, lettuce looksie this Partagas No. 10.

NOTES:
A typically fugly Cameroon top-leaf. Veiny, lumpy, and once lit, a pair of hair-line cracks happen along the way -- smoke clean-thru. Rolled well 'nuff all-said, but not by a bunch. A tick of loosening-seams at char. Some softening of pack density, but no hard/soft spots. There is an occasional dampening of draw which shifts the tension up but stays in the medium+ spectrum. Burn-line requires some Bic-flick'd guidances, but not an abundance thereof. Ash dumps freely and grey. Burns verily cool on an even languid pace. Nice amount of smoke off each end which ebbs and flows insofar as volume. Leaves a very pleasant room-note of delicately sweet fusty 'baccy earthiness.

Cushiony mouth-feel with a slight tingle. Rich but in a light manner. Smoothly-cool delivery. Balanced well up-top but some helter-skelter activities be-low. No bite. Finish is a lengthier thing than a mild-medium offering might foretell. Settles into some nicely attainable complexities whenst primaries work down-ward through the profile.

Overall a sweet stick (which was the name I performed under during my late 1990s hip-hop career). This is balanced well by some sour notes which attract fusty leanings. Them sour bits doth rise in the 3/3. DOTH RISE. Somewhat of a salty offering, but kindly-so dealt into the sweetness and then warmly unto finish. No real bitter additions on draw, some subtly relegated to finish. Savoriness in a pale non-meaty, oft vegetal manner. Spices are 'nuff for the aforementioned slight-tingle, delivered sans kick.

WRAPPER: Cameroon
BINDER: Mexican San Andres
FILLER: Dominican, Mexican

STRENGTH: Mild-Medium
FORMAT:  Double Corona
ORIGIN: Dominican Republic

FINAL GRADE: B
A 90-100 B 80-89 C 70-79 D 60-69 F 0-59

Sample courtesy of Fumare.
Reno's most exclusive Cigar Boutique.
Specializing in rare and hard to find cigars.

Report a typo, win a No-prize.

"In His Gravy"
 

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Happy Thanksgiving!!!


No new posts here today, gentlepersons.
My best of wishes to you and yours.

"In His Gravy"

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

"In His Gravy" Kaplowitz Radio: November 22, 2017

Joe Morgan's Letter to Baseball Hall of Fame Voters & My Thoughts on the Matter

Yesterday morning, Baseball Writers Association of America Hall of Fame voters awoke to Joe Morgan's inbox'd beseechings that they not support candidates linked to steroid-use. The full text of that email can be found HERE. Gentlepersons, if I may be so bold as to butt and to butt once-again in rebuttal to Mr. Morgan; if I may offer-up my two-cents and patiently await my change...

I shall begin with "integrity, sportsmanship, character." Ya see, back in 1999 whenst Pete Rose was widely and wildly applauded for being named part of the All-Century team, Morgan met with Bud Selig in an effort to lift Rose's life-time ban for gambling on baseball. Morgan too sent along video congratulations to his Big Red Machine co-hort whenst Charlie Hustle gained induction into the Reds HOF in 2016. The next year, he played a role in the ceremonial unveiling of a Pete Rose statue at the Great American Ballpark. With this evidence in mind, we can see that whilst named in the fakakta Mitchell Report is the greatest of all moral sin -- admitting to gambling on the game whilst being part of it, not-so much. Them's odd rules. Oh, and Pete Rose needs to be in the Hall of Fame.

Further-more, how about guys who took amphetamines during Joe's own playing days? I mean I've read Ball Four. Most of it. Some of it. Look, I tried. How about racists? Misogynists? (We'll get to a couple'a those in a tick.) How's 'bout players whom bolstered their careers whilst and by never having to face blacks? Again -- where's this line drawn? Who draws it? Joe tried but used a blunt pencil and lightly-so.

Too, this tardy communique is signed with the title "Vice Chairman." This title is true. Also true is that Morgan has been on the Hall’s board of directors since 1994. Why I point this out is because for many years now, voters have been seeking guidance from the Hall regarding just this topic. Ya see, as their heads ain't been buried in the sand, they've long been as ginger as Canelo in their electing of proved and alleged PED users. To the extent that even players who never tested positive nor were mentioned in the Mitchell Report -- think Mike Piazza and Jeff Bagwell -- one and a half shoo-ins, instead faced voted-upon delayings of their inductions. This begs the question of whom's head then, hath been to the sandy beach most and why did he finally fold up his chair, deflate his floaties, and head on home all this time later. Who knows? I'm sure there are reasons, even if it's just an old guy keeping kids off his lawn.

So too little too late, coming from a far from pristine source? This oughtta help loads! Helping even more than loads is "Now, I recognize there are players identified as users on the Mitchell Report who deny they were users. That’s why this is a tricky issue. Not everything is black and white -- there are shades of gray here." With that then, we are really just back to our murky square-one. Roused for no good reason. "Wake up, it's time to take your sleeping pill." Particularly when Morgan than leaves it all to the voters' discretions, trusting them to navigate the perils on their lonesome after pestering them with his finagling. Handling it, they are though. In recent years and according to their vote, they're coming around to even the most tightly-tied to 'roids ballotees. According to an article by Joel Sherman, "Barry Bonds was named on only 36.2% of ballots in 2013, his first year of eligibility, but received 53.8% support last year. Roger Clemens (37.6% support in 2013, 54.1% in 2017) has similarly improved his standing." For the record, 75% gets ya inducted.

There is this, though from Joe: "Players who failed drug tests, admitted using steroids, or were identified as users in Major League Baseball’s investigation into steroid abuse, known as the Mitchell Report, should not get in. Those are the three criteria that many of the players and I think are right." As that compass reads, Sammy Sosa is in like Flynn, gentlepersons. There goes his new-found Clorox'd white privilege again! My feeling is they'll all get in eventually. I'm more than OK with that, it's just the waiting is killing me.

But hey, Till then Craig Biggio is enshrined and whom wouldn't make a lengthy pilgrimage to garner looksie at that uni? Me. I wanna see, hear, touch, taste the fame. It's in the name. "If this is the house of pancakes, then how come I can't eat the walls?" - Homer Simpson as Max Power (The Simpsons, "Homer to the Max". Season 10 / Episode 13.) I wanna wide-eyed bear witness to the relics of said fame, gentlepersons. Not morality -- that hall wouldn't have Babe Ruth nor Ty Cobb exhibits. Taken thatta-way, with me on the opposite end of the spectrum -- one can see this letter from Morgan is just another bit of polarization in an already polarized whirled. So where to find the balance? There's no need to look for it if yer a voter. It ain't yer job. Your job is to simply vote in the greats. No need to choose CNN or Fox News. No need to pick yer protest. My word, though. The letter is even replete with thinly-veiled threats of protest. The mention that other Hall of Famers might take a knee and not attend the induction ceremonies of steroid users. Lettuce all calm verily-well down and be far-less heroic. Where do I sign-up to protest protests?

At the end of the day, this is all-about Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens and their aforementioned closing-in on inductions. Again I ask ya to conjure up images of a Ruth and Cobb free Hall. Or perchance that is next as people seem to love toppling historic statues these days. But that's mainly another topic, right? Soitenly. Of all this email, much of which can be dismissed a la a timely Thanksgiving table interjection of yer great uncle's loud thoughts on whatever -- as one-man's opining to no good-end as Morgan admits to not speaking for every member and offers no true guidance -- what sticks in my craw most is:

"P.S. Families come to Cooperstown because they know it’s special. To parents, it’s a place they can take their kids for an uplifting, feel-good visit. It’s a place where kids can see what true greatness is all about. It’s a place where youngsters can dream that one day they too might get in. This place is special. I hope it stays that way."

"Little Johnny, this is Craig Biggio's glove. You probably never heard'a him. He was nice, I s'pose"

Don't raise my kids, Joe. I got it covered. What do I tell Snack Tray? Well, since he's only seven now, I tell him that Mom and me are wrestling. Wait -- that's another-thing. I tell him that baseball's growth and saving-grace has always been the long-ball. First, the Babe yanking the sport from its Dead Ball era with newly-furnished live-ones, then some very big chemically-enhanced fellas rescuing it from a strike-shortened year sans Fall Classic. The powers-that-be were complicit in both. I wasn't around for them Ruthian antics, but do recall MLB hyping their brand with the use of cartoon comic-book renditions of their big-name bangers. Bulging muscles and veins and all. So larger than life and heroic and did I say chemically induced? But just men. One day you'll be a man, I tell Snack Tray. Would you rather be a TV hero or sell appliances at Sears? Same amount of practice, just a few seconds needle-in-tuchus difference. How important are others' rules in how you judge yer actions (I lost him there). Rambled on anyways. What if you were the boss? Would you glorify these your saviors, then precipitate and participate in throwing them that helped under the bus? Which is more disgusting? By the by, Bud Selig is in the Hall of Fame.

I can hear the gob-smacked kids now. "Daddy, daddy! It's Mr. Selig's office chair!"

Dominion Flor de Claro - Cigar Review

There is a sign I oft look at, as it sits across the street from my kitchen window and I oft hand-wash sinkfuls of dirty dishes. It belongs to the city park/community center and boasts updates of events therein. It is updated none-too regularly. Until two days ago, it bore news of "Boo Barn," a Halloween thing. It is, of course, now mid-November.

The day before yesterday was a tough day for me. They swapped out the old-school vinyl lettered signage for a new digital monstrosity from the next-century. Its frame lights up. However, its LED lights which should bring news of... something... anything... have yet to be lit. In the face of this vulgar and unnecessary "progress," I've decided to hand-write my notes pertaining to the Dominion Flor de Claro I reviewed this very morn. I'm no hero, gentlepersons, I am just one man.

One man bringing balance to the world.

NOTES:
Click or tap to enlarge.
WRAPPER: Honduran Connecticut
BINDER: Nicaraguan
FILLER: Nicaraguan

STRENGTH: Medium
FORMAT: Toro
ORIGIN: Plasencia Cigar, Nicaragua

FINAL GRADE: B
A 90-100 B 80-89 C 70-79 D 60-69 F 0-59

Sample courtesy of Fumare.
Reno's most exclusive Cigar Boutique.
Specializing in rare and hard to find cigars.

Report a typo, win a No-prize.

"In His Gravy" 

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Top 5 List of 2018 First-Year of Eligibility Baseball Hall of Fame Candidates

A couple-few days back, we learnt the nominees for 2018's Hall of Fame inductions. 'Tis a bulky crop but with a thin cream atop it. As Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire and even Sammy Sosa of new-found white privilege are kept out, as Joe Morgan pleads they remain thata-way, I cobble together this. This list of the top-five for me first-time ballotees. A weighty 14 of such did not make my nigh meaningless cut. Let the bickering begin and please to note that comments are, as ever, closed.

1. JIM THOME
J.Thome is one-fifth the club of MLB players with at least 500 home runs, 1,500 runs scored, 1,600 RBI and 1,700 walks. Barry Bonds, Mel Ott, Babe Ruth, Ted Williams flesh-out that grande list.

A five-time All-Star in 22-campaigns with the Indigenous Peoples, Phils, Sox, Dodgers, Twins and O's. Did spend time as a DH, but that is an actual position on the team, gentlepersons. One I despise, but one nonetheless. Did at third-base procure an AL Silver Slugger Award which shows he could hit whilst fielding, in 1996, anyhow. Hit 20+ homers 16-seasons; 40-or-more six times. Tallied 100-or-more ribbies nine-times (26th on history's list with 1,699) and crossed the plate 100-or-more times in eight seasons. Led his league once in each slugging-percentage (His tally is 23rd all-time) and four-baggers (his 612 sits eighth-best in history). Bested .300 in three-years. Ranks 41st all-told in total-bases.

Thome naturally stood country-strong, mountain-big during an era whenst others stuck needles in tuchuses to be-so. All them should be in the Hall, as should he -- particularly if you feel cheaters shall never win. If in fact 'roids are cheating and not in-sync with baseball's eternal gamesmanship. His cleanliness makes him even a greater shoo-in.

2. CHIPPER JONES
C.Jones is one of only nine players and the only switch-hitter in history with at least a .300 batting average, .400 on-base percentage, .500 slugging average and 400 home runs. The others are: Jimmie Foxx, Lou Gehrig, Mel Ott, Stan Musial, Manny Ramirez, Babe Ruth, Frank Thomas and Ted Williams. He is also the lone player to hath played the hot-corner in a minimum 50-percent of his games whilst recording at least 1,600 RBI and scoring 1,600-plus runs.

Played 19 seasons, all with the Braves and eight as an All-Star. Was named the 1999 NL Most Valuable Player. Garnered twice, the Silver Slugger Award winner at third base. In 2008 his .470 on-base percentage and .364 AVG each topped his league. All-told hit over .300 in ten-campaigns. Drove-in 100+ ribbies in nine-seasons and scored the same in eight. Too, tallied 14 in-a-row years with at-least 20 round-trippers. His plate discipline ranks him 16th all-time in walks with 1,512.

Jones compares favorably to Mickey Mantle, whom many designate as the greatest switch-hitter ever. This in terms of batting-average, hits, RBI. With fewer strike-outs in more plate appearances. His 85.0 WAR ranks amongst the greatest third-basemen of all-time, ahead of Brooks Robinson.

3. ANDRUW JONES
A.Jones and his 10 center-field Gold Glove Awards make him one of-only six out-fielders ever to earn at least that many. Among players with 10-or-more such Awards only Willie Mays, Ken Griffey Jr., and Mike Schmidt have more home-runs than his 434, which ranks 47th all-time.

He played 17 years with the Braves, Dodgers, Rangers, White Sox, Yankees. Finishing only 5th in 1997's NL Rookie race, he debuted the year-prior, helping Atlanta get to the World Serious wherein he swatted two big-flies, batted an even .400. A five-time All-Star all-'round player whom on two-occasions landed in the top-ten of NL MVP votings. Whilst fielding he garnered them Gold Gloves and too, topped NL center-fielders in putouts six times and three times in assists. At bat, he ten-times banged 20+ home-runs and in 2005 led the way with 51. Also in that year, he led the league in ribbies and all-told drove-in 100+ runs five-times. Unfortunately, he only hit .300 once. On the base-paths he four-times scored 100-or-more runs, stole 20+ bases four times.

Off all listed here, Jones is for me the greatest athlete -- to the extent it may penalize him. His loping gracefulness oft looked like anything but hustle.

4. SCOTT ROLEN
S.Rolen, famously one-third of the early-2000s “MV3” Cardinals along-side Albert Pujols and Jim Edmonds. Now, perchance the intrigue-iest of this candidate lot. As to J.Edmonds, an example of a player excluded from the Hall of Fame because of loaded ballot and 10-player vote-limit. In short -- Edmonds did not get a fair shake. But lettuce shift focus back-to Rolen -- no more of a second-fiddle than Andruw played to Chipper.

Played 17 seasons for Philadelphia, St. Louis, Toronto, Cincinnati. Won National League 1997 Rookie of the Year honors, went-on to seven All-Star appearances. Gold Glove third-baseman eight-times. Topped the NL in put-outs and assists by third-basemen twice each. NL Silver Slugger hot-corner honoree. Bashed to the 20-home run mark in 10 seasons. Two campaigns of .300+. Five-times passed the 100-RBI threshold. Twice scored 100+ runs. Topped the NL in put-outs and assists by third-basemen twice each.

He won't get in now and inherits Edmond's bum luck (whom should get-in first) far-and-further-out there on the fringe. If stuffs stays back-logged as steroid-era-denizens keep stealing votes but not 'nuff to gain election -- Rolen shall find his way into the Very Good wing of the Hall of Fame -- via early Eras Committee.

5. JOHAN SANTANA
J.Santana hurled the first Mets no-hitter in franchise history versus the Cards on June 1, 2012. His zenith was a short but rather brilliant one, which I shall attest to in his segment's closing.

He pitched 12 seasons in total for Minnesota and New Yawk, going to four All-Star games. Twice in three years won the American League Cy Young Award and twice too, finished in the top-10 in MVP voting. Humsoever, only accrued a single 20-win season but did have a 19-win campaign thrown-in. Once-bestowed the AL Gold Glove Award and four-times led in WHIP. Thricely in ERA, strike-outs, hits and strike-outs per-nine innings. Too, he twice sat atop all in starts and stanzas-pitched. Once beat-out the league in wins.

Will all this be 'nuff to get him in? Probably not -- very definitely not on the first ballot -- but he's a pitcher whom deserves more attentions than many will give him. So I done my sorta due diligence. I'll leave ya with these ESPN figures pertaining to a pair of short-lived and filthy for the ages southpaws:

Santana: 139-78, 3.20 ERA, 136 ERA+, 50.7 WAR, 2 Cy Youngs
Koufax: 165-87, 2.76 ERA, 131 ERA+, 53.2 WAR, 3 Cy Youngs

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

OMAR VIZQUEL
A good glove, no hit guy. But less of each whenst held-up to, say, Ozzie Smith. Fantastic baseball brain whom may find his road to The Hall going through the dug-out.

JOHNNY DAMON
A or perchance thEE pioneer of to-day's caveman look. Bushy beard, long hair -- notably and at the time newsily sans his Damn Yankees stint. Good ball-player.

Now if you'll be-so kind as to excuse me gentlepersons, The Simpsons Movie is on in a tick.

Report a typo, win a No-prize.

"The Burrito Trap"