With Turkey-Day in the rear-view, I sit here at my Chromebook needing elastic-waisted sweatpants and a belch. 'Twas a good 'un of frozen pizzas, fries, ice cream. Yet it wasn't without its... confusion. For instance, when did Alice's Kitchen become a long-standing tradition on Thanksgiving? I never once heard that-one till yester-day. Terrible song, just terrible. Punishingly bad, really. Twenty-plus minutes worth a' it. And Michael Vick on a football pre-game show which becomes de facto morning-show here on the left coast? That was a surprise. I'm not really familiar with the NFL product. It seems out-of-step with itself. Unsure of both its identity and its fans' identity, as well. Drek, one might rightly say.
Alas 'tis now Black Friday. Big BIG sale day. Why not get yerself an Official Kaplowitz Tshirt? Greatest stocking stuffer since the candy cane. Or at least the toothbrush. Nevertheless, ya got a couple days with-which to thrill the gentlepersons on yer nice list and to SHOP HERE NOW. And if yer in the market for a professional baseball fella, I can help ya there, too.
Lettuce delve, rank...
1. J.D. MARTINEZ, 30, OF
J.D.Martinez is the best right-handed power bat of the crop if not simply its best bat period. He's too shown four-seasons worth of that. He knows how to Walk Like A Man and earn the Silver Star. Four Seasons, get it? It was 2017 though, that he went next-level. Might be a risk to sign him long-term off the strength of those numbers. But really, you won't be tragically disappointed; depending on yer wallet's depth. Defensively, he'll work in either OF corner -- in a Swiss Cheese sorta manner. You're buying a bat, and one with excellent control given its power.
Alas 'tis now Black Friday. Big BIG sale day. Why not get yerself an Official Kaplowitz Tshirt? Greatest stocking stuffer since the candy cane. Or at least the toothbrush. Nevertheless, ya got a couple days with-which to thrill the gentlepersons on yer nice list and to SHOP HERE NOW. And if yer in the market for a professional baseball fella, I can help ya there, too.
Lettuce delve, rank...
1. J.D. MARTINEZ, 30, OF
J.D.Martinez is the best right-handed power bat of the crop if not simply its best bat period. He's too shown four-seasons worth of that. He knows how to Walk Like A Man and earn the Silver Star. Four Seasons, get it? It was 2017 though, that he went next-level. Might be a risk to sign him long-term off the strength of those numbers. But really, you won't be tragically disappointed; depending on yer wallet's depth. Defensively, he'll work in either OF corner -- in a Swiss Cheese sorta manner. You're buying a bat, and one with excellent control given its power.
2. LORENZO CAIN, 32, OF
L.Cain is perchance the best all-'rounder herein. Stellar CF glove, speed on the basepaths, goodly skilled in the batter's box. His 2017 campaign was the second in his last-three wherein he topped 15 homers and swiped 25+ bases. He's too hit the .300 mark every-year since 2014. in short, he does everything quite well. My caveat in signing him is that I don't see him getting a lot better, so upswing is somewhat lacking -- and he's not quite marquis. Humsoever, he's clearly the most employable of the soon-to-be drained Royals, and would fit well somewheres twixt your spark-plug and plate-cleaner.
3. WADE DAVIS, 32, RHP
W.Davis is wherest ya start if you need to buy a closer. And many do, so many will. His 32 saves and 2.30 ERA last year was very nice, but his walk-rate was the highest he's yet tallied. However, he was healthy all-campaign, a correction of 2016's double-DL stint. Bottom-line: you'll over-pay if you sign a check that covers a hurler whom can go more than an inning per-outing. Too, you may have to use him even more sparingly if your season goes long. A superb closer, nonetheless, supreme if not asked to much of. Very much a throw-back positioneer.
W.Davis is wherest ya start if you need to buy a closer. And many do, so many will. His 32 saves and 2.30 ERA last year was very nice, but his walk-rate was the highest he's yet tallied. However, he was healthy all-campaign, a correction of 2016's double-DL stint. Bottom-line: you'll over-pay if you sign a check that covers a hurler whom can go more than an inning per-outing. Too, you may have to use him even more sparingly if your season goes long. A superb closer, nonetheless, supreme if not asked to much of. Very much a throw-back positioneer.
4. ERIC HOSMER, 28, 1B
E.Hosmer has some very nice tools he brings to the table. Good glove, avoids the DL, is patient at the plate. Also, he's a young gun-for-hire at 28. He won't fill the rock-star slot, but will furnish yer team a driving heart-beat. He's fresh-off recording a career year in the batter's box, and dinged 25 dingers for the second in as many years. For all his youth, he can lead both by show and by go and too, has post-season experience galore. Sign him long-term and he could be the driving-force of yer team for many a campaign to come.
E.Hosmer has some very nice tools he brings to the table. Good glove, avoids the DL, is patient at the plate. Also, he's a young gun-for-hire at 28. He won't fill the rock-star slot, but will furnish yer team a driving heart-beat. He's fresh-off recording a career year in the batter's box, and dinged 25 dingers for the second in as many years. For all his youth, he can lead both by show and by go and too, has post-season experience galore. Sign him long-term and he could be the driving-force of yer team for many a campaign to come.
5. SHOHEI OHTANI, 23, RHP/DH/OF
S.Ohtani appears lower on my list than about any other you'll see. In fact, he almost didn't appear at all, since every list which includes him is in err since he's not been posted yet. I include him here, as a warning. Japan's level is twixt AAA and MLB. Think the 2017 SanFran Giants. He hits and pitches, but all scouts say he's a pitcher. I say he's a long reliever or 5th-starter, ultimately. Japanese imports really have a crummy resume state-side. Buy him to put a curious tuchus in each stadium seat... not in a meaningful effort to win.[I'll break from my 100-words for each player format here to go-on: Many applaud his leaving money on the table by coming here at 23 instead of waiting till 25. Just two years. He's had injuries, ya know. He's recouping from surgery now. I call endorsements money-grab whilst the grabbing's good. With the NPB complicit. Am I the only one? Read my: Shohei Otani: Is the Japanese Star Destined to Don Pin-Stripes in 2018? for more.]
6. MIKE MOUSTAKAS, 29, 3B
M.Moustakas blasted a Royals-record 38 homers in 2017. Whilst 'nuff to surpass Steve Balboni's mark -- it ain't really that much. Remember: juiced balls. Plus, his .305 career OBP is far from wow. Although youth doth serve him, his only mainly serviceable hot-corner mitt lesser-so doth. Plus, I don't see his path to becoming N.Arenado. Avoid him unless you are in pedal-to-the-metal win-now mode. Also if you're pockets are deep 'nuff to brush off a loss. Or, see if the market is on yer side and unwilling to over-pay for a solid guy whose best weapon may be as fan-fodder presence.
8. CARLOS SANTANA, 32, 1B/DH
The dark-horse of my list is C.Santana. We could either look brilliant or 'special' here. Lettuce hold hands and drive-off together in oblivion. Shall we, Louise? I'll start with his great strides in defensive improvements at 1st-base. We'll add that to his proved presence at the plate. Did I mention he's a switch-hitter sporting a .365 OBP? The knock? He's 32. But if ya don't need all of what Hosmer offers in intangibles, this guy is yer guy right now -- for much cheaper. You could also extend his sell-by-date by plugging him into a DH role, if you're so able'd.
10. ADDISON REED, 29, RHP
Bummed you can't swing Ohtani? Why not skip ahead to whenst Japan's Babe Ruth becomes a long-reliever and nail-down the 29 year-young A.Reed now? For a couple campaigns, the righty hath been perchance the most effective set-up man in all MLB. Plus, he has closer experience and could become a new-fangled two-stanza stopper. Interestingly/tantalizingly, his numbers indicate he handles right and left-handed batters equally-well. A load-off for any skipper. The knock here is he gave up 11 homers in 2017. An uncomfortable amount for the roles indicated. But he gets the job done and maybe they'll re-replace the ball.
IN ADDITION:
Greg Holland is a straight no-buy and steer-clear of. Coming back from Tommy John with his first-half/second-half splits, raise every red flag ever there were in that surgery's recovery. Todd Frazier is a nigh expiration-date Moustakas, with a Damn Yankee fetish. Leave him be. Sign Jay Bruce only if you need an old lefty power-bat whose story is worth more than his services.
But really -- do make sure you buy an Official Kaplowitz Tshirt or two HERE.
M.Moustakas blasted a Royals-record 38 homers in 2017. Whilst 'nuff to surpass Steve Balboni's mark -- it ain't really that much. Remember: juiced balls. Plus, his .305 career OBP is far from wow. Although youth doth serve him, his only mainly serviceable hot-corner mitt lesser-so doth. Plus, I don't see his path to becoming N.Arenado. Avoid him unless you are in pedal-to-the-metal win-now mode. Also if you're pockets are deep 'nuff to brush off a loss. Or, see if the market is on yer side and unwilling to over-pay for a solid guy whose best weapon may be as fan-fodder presence.
7. YU DARVISH, 31, RHP
On paper, Y.Darvish is your best option if in need of a starting pitcher. He's not just another pretty arm, tho. He's showed an ability to adapt via tweaking his delivery mid-summer. Just ignore his World Serious collapse. Hey, we all have bad days. Twice. In-a-row. Also, whilst that adaptation showed IQ, he did need to adapt in the first-place. Perchance slick Fall Classic balls take the blame for 1/2 them slumps. He's a strong second-starter, methinks. Unless he can't rebuild after the debacle of being named the 'Stros MVP. Insure yerself by getting a better skipper than Roberts.
On paper, Y.Darvish is your best option if in need of a starting pitcher. He's not just another pretty arm, tho. He's showed an ability to adapt via tweaking his delivery mid-summer. Just ignore his World Serious collapse. Hey, we all have bad days. Twice. In-a-row. Also, whilst that adaptation showed IQ, he did need to adapt in the first-place. Perchance slick Fall Classic balls take the blame for 1/2 them slumps. He's a strong second-starter, methinks. Unless he can't rebuild after the debacle of being named the 'Stros MVP. Insure yerself by getting a better skipper than Roberts.
8. CARLOS SANTANA, 32, 1B/DH
The dark-horse of my list is C.Santana. We could either look brilliant or 'special' here. Lettuce hold hands and drive-off together in oblivion. Shall we, Louise? I'll start with his great strides in defensive improvements at 1st-base. We'll add that to his proved presence at the plate. Did I mention he's a switch-hitter sporting a .365 OBP? The knock? He's 32. But if ya don't need all of what Hosmer offers in intangibles, this guy is yer guy right now -- for much cheaper. You could also extend his sell-by-date by plugging him into a DH role, if you're so able'd.
9. JAKE ARRIETA, 32, RHP
J.Arrieta shows that durability is more than just showing-up. Whilst he doth show, what also shows is a 2mph drop-off on his number-one since 2015. That's a mile-a-year, and also matches my running-log to perfection. Too, he did recently miss time last campaign via bum September hammie. Hey, he's no spring chicken. But he does tout a nice 2.90ERA with 92K in his last 105 2/3 stanzas. In short, he's a righty with good 'nuff stuff to be an important win-now addition to anyone's rotation. Unfortunately, the asking price of that service projects to be of quite a height.
J.Arrieta shows that durability is more than just showing-up. Whilst he doth show, what also shows is a 2mph drop-off on his number-one since 2015. That's a mile-a-year, and also matches my running-log to perfection. Too, he did recently miss time last campaign via bum September hammie. Hey, he's no spring chicken. But he does tout a nice 2.90ERA with 92K in his last 105 2/3 stanzas. In short, he's a righty with good 'nuff stuff to be an important win-now addition to anyone's rotation. Unfortunately, the asking price of that service projects to be of quite a height.
Bummed you can't swing Ohtani? Why not skip ahead to whenst Japan's Babe Ruth becomes a long-reliever and nail-down the 29 year-young A.Reed now? For a couple campaigns, the righty hath been perchance the most effective set-up man in all MLB. Plus, he has closer experience and could become a new-fangled two-stanza stopper. Interestingly/tantalizingly, his numbers indicate he handles right and left-handed batters equally-well. A load-off for any skipper. The knock here is he gave up 11 homers in 2017. An uncomfortable amount for the roles indicated. But he gets the job done and maybe they'll re-replace the ball.
IN ADDITION:
Greg Holland is a straight no-buy and steer-clear of. Coming back from Tommy John with his first-half/second-half splits, raise every red flag ever there were in that surgery's recovery. Todd Frazier is a nigh expiration-date Moustakas, with a Damn Yankee fetish. Leave him be. Sign Jay Bruce only if you need an old lefty power-bat whose story is worth more than his services.
But really -- do make sure you buy an Official Kaplowitz Tshirt or two HERE.