Deep in flavor. Deep in your mind.

3/24/19

On "Gimmick Sticks" | A Kaplowitz Media Weekly Editorial

"Have you Kaplowitz'd to-day?"


Lettuce set parameters. Firstly. I will not be using named instances of what I feel are "gimmick sticks." That's at once overly subjective & contrivingly shit-stirring. Secondly, and most importantly, what is meant by the term "gimmick stick" itself?

At the core of the derogatory sentiment is this: All show, no go. An inferior product made snazzy via marketing tact -- and typically a flashy one. A pig in lipstick. Except I don't believe that. That's what a certain crowd I'll address later (you'll know which/when) would have ya believe.

Between that and my take most likely lives the truth. My take on defining gimmick in the context of premium cigars is thinking outside the box & embracing schtick (while hopefully avoiding schlock). *SPOILER ALERT* A bracketed bit as to the previous parenthetical: [I'll in (almost) closing, come back to this point]

OK, then. That is the what and how I shall be addressing here.

Please let me start by saying... I love you. Hello! Is it me you're looking for? Because I wonder where you are and I wonder what you do. Are you somewhere feeling lonely? Or is someone loving you? Tell me how to win your heart, for I haven't got a clue... But let me start by saying I love you.


Good stuff. Couldn't resist. BACK ON TRACK: did you know that most if not all cigars are cigar colored? Like a brownish hue? & that furthermore they are all made of all tobacco leaf? Too, they are predominantly cylindrical? I mean there's variation there but c'mon! A fella could get a tick bored.

There is tradition and there is New School. Then there is the progression which sees the new school become a tradition via aging practitioners and generational hand-me-downs but lettuce avoid that here. Cigars are traditional. By which I mean the cultures and lifestyles which surround cigars and cigar smoking are typically of a traditional bent or err.

I myself am somewhat traditional. Conservative. But also I am progressive (this is not a political sentiment one way or another). I often see myself getting into a situation as I imagine a test pilot would an aircraft -- by saying aloud to no one in particular "let's see what this baby'll do." I'm a complicated man, man. Don't try to figure me out.


WTF was I talking about? Oh, yeah. Gimmick sticks. Cigars are great & cigars are good. I love tradition but fuck -- I'm totes for occasionally seeing what this baby'll do. Because I also have ADHD. Because also, what's wrong with a lil excitement? A lil buzz? A lil catching of eyes? A lil let's not entirely fucking stagnate as an industry? A bit of whimsy. I hate whimsy. Again, don't try to psychoanalyze me, bub.

I am NOT saying we need a lot of these gimmick sticks. Just the occasional one. Why the heck not? The traditional stuff ain't going nowhere and that traditional crowd will remain not only unharmed but strengthened by absurdly presented cigars. For instance --->

"Look at how ridiculous that is."
"Harrumph."
"Harrumph."
"Harrumph."
"Hey, I didn't get a 'harrumph' outta that guy!"


So that's it. I'm pro-gimmick. Funny. I spent time in the world of pro wrestling. Everything is a gimmick there. Literally. "Gimmick" loosely means to wrestlers what "Smurf" means to Smurfs. Hand me that gimmick. I'll grab that gimmick. I'll gimmick something together. Are we going to that gimmick? We taking that gimmick there? Gimmick is my second favorite word after jism.

"Just one more thing..." - Columbo.

I'd like to address potential purveyors of these offerings. I'm a dad. I'm also miserable at metaphors, let alone parables and let alone I'm not even soiten what either one of those things is. I tell my weird friggin' kids that they should all feel free to be as friggin' weird as they want. With one thing in mind -- the weirder you act... the stranger you present yourself... the stronger you gotta be. Across the board.

In cigar terms -- you gotta be a damn good smoke. Then why wrap a damned good smoke in ridiculous kitsch??? That's it. I'm going to bed. Would the last one out please turn off the lights?


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