Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Boston's Performance Enhancing Electronic Devices

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Just an off the top a' my clever head, and strictly adhering to the rule of three, list of signs I imagine get stolen a lot. "Stealing signs. Imagine. Russo has now yelled about it for 10 minutes." I tweeted via my Twitter (@Kplwtz) this morn, as 'Mad Dog' barked through his High Heat program. His intended take-away being, it was all inexcusable. Not the stealing, but employing the use of "Electronic equipment" in said theft.

And that's what Boston copped to when the Damn Yankees GM Brian Cashman pointed fingers at 'em. The team in turn and rather unapologetically, admitted to using an Apple Watch as part of a ploy to steal signs from opposing teams during a recent stretch a' early pennant race home games. They then accused the Damn Yankees of the same PERFECTLY LEGAL stealing of signs. "Kap, stealing signs is legal. Using electronic devices is not."

The irate condemnation is spear-headed by a bunch of middle-aged white guys confounded by "electronic devices" and other social advances. It is hilarious. And sure, stealing signs is as old as signs. E-lect-ronic devices. Good news: "Kap, my grandkids set me up on the email. I don't know, though...." Sure. "Electronic devices" are bad. Which is why MLB wants to use them to replace umpires on balls and strikes. Using an Apple Watch to communicate speeds up the game. Don't they want that? Can we keep the narrative straight, gentlpersons? This is a non-story and incongruent to boot. Before I forget, can there be a ballgame EVER, wherein the commentators don't question every-other hurled ball and the ump's strike-zone? The 'bots are coming.
The clearest explanation of the caper comes via the New Yorker, of all places. A fine and decent publication, determined to FIGHT FAKE NEWS with its every editorial breath: "The Red Sox’s alleged scheme went like this: when the team was at bat and had a runner on second base -- a rare enough situation, yet a vital one -- an employee in the video department who was watching the Yankees’ catcher would decode the signals he was using to call pitches then transmit the information to a trainer in the Sox dugout who was wearing an Apple Watch. The trainer would then give that information to a player standing nearby, who would signal to the teammate on second base, letting him know what to look for. The base-runner would then signal in to the batter, giving him the advantage of knowing which pitch was coming before it was thrown—as long as this game of telephone hadn’t garbled the original message."

Again. Sign stealing ain't cheating. Sign stealing is a part of baseball strategy. Or lettuce have the great Cleveland Indian owner Bill Veeck's precise linguistics clarify: "gamesmanship -- the art of winning without really cheating." Plus, don't all that seem a couple-ticks convoluted? Some mental masturbation for the baseball practitioners, knee-deep in the dog days and to pass the slow-moving time, methinks.

Kids don't pass notes in class anymore. Kids text. My stepkid uses Discord -- the ever-paternal MLB should really try and keep up. Or at least look the heck away. Ya know, like they did with other enhancements. Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire come to mind. If ya ain't enhancing ya ain't trying. Apple Watches are enhancements here. Everyone since the hotdog eating Babe Ruth is on the wrong side of an asterisk. Did I just see ya eat kale? Was that a vitamin? Hey, what's in that needle? Apple Watch? Forward that info via a time out and verbally -- or another sign. What's that a camera? Eyeballs only and first guy who squints gets fined! The league has yet to decide on a fine.
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