Wednesday, January 3, 2024

At Least Nine Ways to Be "A Cigar Guy"

At Least Nine Ways to Be "A Cigar Guy"
(A noble goal, for sure)
[An acrostic endeavoring]

A is for Always. Always be a cigar guy.

C is for Constantly. Constantly be smoking, failing that, holding a cigar. If smoking, constantly reference it. If holding, constantly reference both it and the 'burning' desire to light it. Have specific golf cigars, yardwork cigars, company cigars, moocher cigars, alone time cigars, sporting events, movies, music, bad times, and good times cigars. Also, cigars for when you are too busy to cigar. Inclement-weather cigars are a must-have, as well.

I is for I. Start sentences as well as sentiments with "I." as in I think this about this cigar. I think that about that cigar. I think this about that leaf. I think that about this process. I think that about this brand. I think this about people who think otherwise (not real smokers), I think that about people who agree with me (real smokers). Avoid using 'you' as sentence and sentiment starters for fear that people may not think you are an aficionado.

G is for Grumpy. Be grumpy when not allowed to smoke. Attend your daughter's wedding reception and gripe non-stop about the no-smoking rules of the host and/or establishment. Hand out cigars to everyone as you do. In the event someone 'No thanks' your offering, roll your eyes and say something like "More for me." Then share that one meme to your social media that states if your boyfriend doesn't smoke cigars, he's your girlfriend.

A is for Always (Again). Always means always. Sometimes you might feel always to be the case, periodically check in on yourself to make certain it truly is always and not just the false-feeling of always. Eliminate thoughts of family and friends not directly to do with cigars and cigar smoking. Is your Aunt Ann a cigar smoker? If not, Carl down at the shop is your family now, call him Brother. Never pass a no-smoking sign without lighting up in front of it and taking a selfie.

R is for Research. Learn all about cigars. Do so by asking questions in forums where you're sure to get conflicting answers from other smokers. Choose a side. Dig in your heels. Harder. Deeper. (That's what she said.) Pay close attention to reviewers. Tell everyone reviews don't matter and that it's all subjective. Throw shade on the Cigar Aficionado publication and on Gurkha. This will make you stand out as a reputable source of information.

G is for Grab. As in grab them all. Grab more cigars than you'll ever be able to smoke. Then, worry constantly (always) about their storage. See: R is for Research, above. Enter plume vs. mold debates. Enter cello on vs. cello off debates. Do not cave. Give no quarters. Man up. Only smoke full-bodied cigars.

U is for Ulysses. Ulysses S. Grant, famed cigar guy. Did you know he smoked 20 cigars each and every day? Mark Twain smoked at least that much (plus pipes) and said, "I smoke with all my might, and allow no intervals." Be like Mark Twain and Ulysses S. Grant. In terms of smoking. Remain predominantly unclear as to whatever the heck else they did, yet openly avow their overall greatness and connect that to, of course, cigars. Seek out other famous cigar guys and do the same. Gandolfini, great actor. What else was he in? Who knows?

Pro-tip: sneak naughty Bill Clinton jokes into every conversation.

Y is for Yuengling. That's a brand of beer. It's also a reminder of beer and of booze. Of coffee and of tea. In other words, talk a lot about pairings in order to sound like the connoisseur you are. Bring food into the mix but only steaks, smoked meats, and BBQ. Guy foods. Cigar guy foods. Scoff at other foods. Scarf the aforementioned ones. Buy a 4XL tee that reads "I smoke cigars and know things."

Welcome to the fold, Brother!

::: very :::