Monday, November 13, 2023

What Your Cigar Lighter Says About You | + Some Loose Ends

What Your Cigar Lighter Says About You | + Some Loose Ends

3+ Torches: You have a garage full of overpowered tools and toys. Your creed is "If a little is good, enough is better." You use your leaf blower a lot. You also shave with five blades. Your face is raw and your cigar's foot is burnt. You love Home Improvement reruns and making that grunting noise. You're never going to be done rebuilding that GTO.

Double Torches: You are the voice of reason. But then again, you aren't because you are aware no one will listen. A realist, you keep your head down. You study reviews prior to purchasing cigars and, well, anything. You have a mind for trivia on account of this. You must remind yourself no one wants to hear all you know about that one esoteric subject. (You have a mastery of many.)

Single Torches: You are often technically right, which to you is the very best type of right. You are precise and brisk to the point of standoff-ish. You never met a target sport that did not fascinate you. Perhaps you are an accountant. Perhaps a sniper. Maybe a sociopath. In any event, you are quite good at what you do. Do try not to allow your pedantic nature to become overly brutal.

Spills: Masochism isn't for everyone but it is for you. You are your own best frenemy. No one can beat you but you and you are both undefeated and winless. Your shirt, chair, and table all have burn-holes and marks. The history books you adore reading often have singed edges. You are familiar with the smell of burnt dog hair but it never seems to bother him. He just thinks you're excitedly petting the good boy.

Matches: You either always wear a three-piece suit--or always wear a bathrobe. That's right, two opposing types meet under this heading. You are either sitting in a private membership lounge in an over-stuffed leather club chair fumbling your pocket watch; or you just took a swig of milk from the jug, hoped it wasn't spoiled, and realized your rent is late. You're either a slow-smoking champ or your favorite smoke is a free one.

Zippo (with torch insert): You wear a circle beard but call it a goatee. And much like that style, you were cool in the 1990s. You're a thoughtful sweetheart but need to think of yourself as a reckless badass. You still rock out to Red Hot Chili Peppers and Sublime, and have a bunch of concert stories and tees. You also have to go now because you're picking up your daughter from school. The blasting car stereo embarrasses her.

Disposable: Your best friend and possible soul mate is the EDGE OF TABLE ashtray guy, although he hates it when you start talking like a conspiracy nut. I'll let you two be.

Tabletop: You're rather fleshy and more than a bit pale. You often find yourself out of breath and people have trouble hearing you over your own chin(s). But, to your credit, they turn their ears toward you and try to decipher the true wisdom of your words. They are mildly disappointed when occasionally those words are "Help me up, will you?" Nevertheless, you are well-regarded for your niche sagacity. Hint: those farts are neither silent nor unscented.

(left untied previously)

Glass Ashtrays: Typically found in thrift shops, these trays are much like their users in that way. You are a hipster and lover of the ironic. In your found art ashtray is etched a name, organization, or place that means nothing to you--but that is exactly what makes it so delish. Vintage means the world to you. You had to learn the hard way why shag carpeting was a fad.

Merch: You put your money where your mouth is. You have a collection of purchased hats and hoodies with many different logos of some now-defunct brands. Right now, you are wearing a t-shirt that reads "I Smoke Cigars & Know Things." You are a fanboy and you are loved. OK, liked. Fine, loosely appreciated.

Swag: You want to show support for brands but don't think it's fair that you pay in order to do so. You enter every contest, giveaway, and sweepstakes. You win a lot because unbeknownst to you, you are often the only entrant. You joke about 'Don't tell my wife how much I spent.' She knows and complains to her boyfriend about it.

::: very :::