Wednesday, March 30, 2022

The Heavy Mustache of Leonardo (and a Limerick in Ode to the Mustache Cup) | Also All About the Handlebar

The Heavy Mustache of Leonardo (from The Adventure of the Veiled Lodger [VEIL]) and a Limerick in Ode to the Mustache Cup | Also All About the Handlebar

"The woman rose and took from a drawer the photograph of a man. He was clearly a professional acrobat, a man of magnificent physique, taken with his huge arms folded across his swollen chest and a smile breaking from under his heavy moustache--the self-satisfied smile of the man of many conquests." - VEIL

Leonardo was, of course, a coward. He ran off while his lady friend Mrs. Ronder was having her face eaten off by a lion. Also, and rather concurrently, he was a murderer alongside the same Mrs. Ronder, of her Mr. Ronder. One would truly expect more from a traveling circus performer. However, the only 'more' Leonardo had in him, was in fact on him. Over-top his upper-lip to be exact. In all the mustachioed men of Sherlock Holmes canon, it would seem only his garnered the description of "Heavy."

Now we can safely assume Leonardo was a gimmick carney name but it is an Italian name nonetheless. So whether or not the wearer of the infamous heavy mustache was of Italian descent or not, a big mustache fits--either the man or the stage name, or both. Such a mustache is what is needed to grow what at times is called a Spaghetti Mustache (due to it stereotypically being associated with Italian gentlemen), which is a Handlebar varietal. While some if not many or even most mustaches would be considered as 'modest' as Watson's, a Handlebar is most impressive due to its follicular braggery.

Currently, the Handlebar is seeing a resurgence in the hipster subculture but as with many things along those lines, it finds itself to be unfortunately bastardized there. A proper Handlebar is never trimmed. It is not a regular 'stache cropped short and with its ends grown long. That would be a type of also bastardized Fu Manchu, without the necessary shaved-clean middle. It is a 'stach which is left to grow long and trained to part in the middle via combing and waxing. How long? Long enough to be 'graspable,' according to the Handlebar Club of London.

[EDIT: 3/30 8:17am. For the sake of clarity, all of the mentioned Handlebar varietals are curled at their ends unless otherwise noted.]

I mentioned a tick ago the word "varietal." There are types of Handlebars, after all. Sizes, really and mostly. As with the famed London group of the previous paragraph, I will pay no attention to those types of mustaches with beard accompaniment (although you'll also see I DQ the Imperial). The English version of this epic lip 'do was actually worn by Arthur Conan Doyle himself and is the thinnest-kept version, pulled straight out to the sides and not curled at its edges. Its ends can be pointed slightly upwards. Typically, the wearer shaves off anything beyond the mouth's corners.

That is in somewhat contrast to the biggest or heaviest (proper) type, the Hungarian. The growth area there can extend up to a centimeter and a half beyond said corners, as that's needed to hold up this low-slung granddaddy of 'em all showstopper. So virile. So robust. The Imperial tends toward more of a beard so we'll stop there but continue laterally to the petite handlebar. There, the whole shebang--curled ends and all, happen squarely atop the top lip. Still and all that in stride, a run-of-the-mill handlebar of moderate size can extend up to a half-centimeter from those corners and is absolutely and perfectly a Mona Lisa of a thing.

Of course, mustache wax is required in all. Particularly in the messy stage of growth. Speaking of messy... a true Handlebar of any variety will be a walrus mustache if worn down. Or, if you're like me, and you have willful whiskers prone to coarse vertical laziness. There are tons of mustache waxes, or tonnes of moustache waxes available. If you decide you are man enough, get one with beeswax or just get beeswax. I understand competition 'staches get Elmer glued (it would seem anything can become ridiculous). And get a comb for the thing. I use a regular pocket comb because I'm something like four-months into my attempted English now.

And get yourself also, a mustache cup. Here's a quick (perhaps doggerel) limerick I composed in ode to the mustache cup. It also doubles as a learning aid bit of HIStory. Also, I apologize for formatting issues, depending on your screen, intended line breaks may suffer. (As may you.)

There once was a Brit named Harvey Adams,
In 1860 he pottered the first mustache cup hair dams.
They kept stashes unstained, well-waxed, and quite dry--
Thus keeping wet only that for which mustachioed men try.
To the delight of all those sirs and their most sprightly madams.

I'd also be maybe remiss in not mentioning whatever the hell Dali had on his face while he walked his pet anteater. In closing, I posit Leonardo had a big, droopy (heavy) Hungarian Mustache, though it proved to be only liphair on a strongman pig.

::: very :::

Online sources for this article include: I Hear of Sherlock Everywhere (please do go see that site), Wikipedia (Mustache cup & Mustache), and The Handlebar (Moustache Club).