On Flatulence in a Heatwave

It is too hot to write, for it is 106 out.
There is an official "Excessive Heat Warning"

I shant have to defend myself, gentlepersons.

Besides, I already recorded "Father of the Year" Kaplowitz Radio: August 3, 2017 this morning whilst it was a mere and breezy 90 out. Give it a listen. Daily content: created. Created over a Villiger cigar. I fully reviewed the particular blend in my Villiger La Flor de Ynclan - Cigar Review Redux. That's a Churchill write-up which links to the Robsto 'un. I'm not terribly impressed by the offering.

Here, have some stock writing.

IS THERE A PROPER WAY TO... BREAK WIND?

I'm fairly certain that the proper way is through your tuchus, butt I'm no buttologist. That said, there is of course a lesson in etiquette involved in even the nigh unmentionable world of flatulence.

We'll mostly deal with this from the perspective of you, gentlepersons, being the offender(s). I do feel, however, that also necessary is a brief examination on how to properly deal with, as etiquette decrees, filling the role of the victim in one "farting in your general direction" a la Monte Python -- with nary care nor concern as to your sadly miserable experience.

YOU: "Pardon me, are you okay, sir / ma'am?" Or, shaddup. Mayhaps shaddup on the first foul, speak to the 'blown' mulligan.

And we begin anew...
THE ETIQUETTE OF THE PROPER FART
The first rule, of course, is to hold it until you are blue, or in the relative safety of a restroom.

In the event of unfortunate incident -- remember honor and remember too humor. As in, do take responsibility and do not take yourself too seriously. These are keys writ large in being gentlepersons, after all. Ya filthy bestial disgrace, ya.

That said, if it's silent, you've got ten seconds to not be where you were when you dealt it. DO NOT blame, nor partake in blaming games. Back to responsibility: take some. Pre-emptively. Prepare your diet for public consumption. Don't binge on baked beans prior to, or at, a gala event. And do not attend gala events featuring baked beans.

Don't Blame:

• your shoes
• your dog
• your chair
• the floor
• your mouth
• anyone else
• anything else

The blame game will make the fart last far longer than a simple acceptance. You've already made a smelly scene, but you can contain it. Do not apologize. This begs a response from your audience as to your fart. What you say, quite simply, is "Excuse me." Then move two towns over. 'Cause yer done in that town, boychik.