Cutting & Cutters, A Cigar Primer

B"H

This is soiten to be a post of vast length. Lettuce jump right in, gentlepersons. The snip. [Insert mohel joke here.] [Insert insertion joke here.] Quite suddenly, we're going nowherest fast. Here's a flourish which I'll follow with a sub-title featuring authoritative capitalization. We'll see how that works...

CUTTING A CIGAR

Here, have some stock-writing along-side flourish, I writ verily a long time a-go:

Further on Each of the Eleven (11) Commandments of Cigar Etiquette III

3. Biteth thee caps of thine stogies and useth not cutting implementations.
The cap is a separate piece which comes off when nibbled wetly. Cutters [may] cause damage.

A Brief Lesson in Cigar Anatomy:
The cap of a cigar is a separate bit of leaf entirely, from the body, or wrapper, of the cigar. It is fastened in its place by a flour/water (usually) mixture. Not stickier than that, regardless of methodology. It is meant to come off. Wet it in your mouth and nibble allowingly. Although note I said "stogie" and not "super premium offering you can't tell your wife how much you spent on." If that's what ya got, please to see carefully the sub-title below: THE CIGAR CUTTER.

I believe that the word "bite" has scared off some. Do not maul -- allow. "Facilitate," as my psychologist social worker wife doth say. You will be doing far less damage than many a cutter. I'm looking at you, V-cutter gentlepersons (more later). How far must you insist on cutting into the wrapper, into the meat of the stogie, when 'none' is a viable option? For the sake of the faint-of-heart, I shant delve into pinching a cap, though try it out on a pig-tail'd offering one particularly brave and robust day. Salt of the earth, you'll be.

Too, the tact of the bite helps add to the sensory exploration on said stogie. taste it. Let it linger. Nibble. Take cold pulls along the languid way. Unless yer a Hindu or something -- you're only here once. Enjoy the journey. Let it unwrap in your juices, gentlepersons. My daughter was born in a hurry; doc ran into the room in a full sprint. He caught her, then shrugged. A center-fielder snagging a ball from over the fence, and much to his own surprise. Threw her up on her mom's chest without cleaning or spanking out a cry. "Life's dirty." He said robustly, in an I kid ya not Captain Morgan-esque stance. I remember being very dizzy and scared, with a sense of ominous foreboding...

Remember what I said, the cap is separate from the stick. When it's moist and you've well enjoyed the pre-light experience of your mutual introduction. Release it with your lusty and skilled teeth. Spit it out, and light up.

Enjoy. It's both the classy and the classless way to do so. Be like me, Kaplowitz. Unless I'm reviewing said cigar in an official manner, then I cut. It's kinda expected, I think. So in fairness to all, I cut. HOLY PLOT TWIST, BAT-MAN! Then... then...

THE CIGAR CUTTER

YOU: Whoa whoa whoa... how much do I cut off?

ME: the least amount possible, least amount more if needed.

Measure twice, cut once.
You can always add more salt, but ya can't take it back.
Tell me why, there's no meat behind my fly -- sloppy Rabbi.

Get the gist, gentlepersons?

PREAMBLE: There are three main types of cutters: Guillotine (straight cut), Punch Cut (Poke a hole), and V-cut (A horrid, horrid gash). 

When most folks say cigar cutter, they mean the Guillotine variety. This remains a very good option for the beginner, if for no other reason that supply is long on this particular style. Also, you can use them as an intermediate and even advanced consewer, as well. Most recommend the double Guillotine over its single cousin, and they are correct in doing-so. Single cousins are odd creatures who tend to be okay getting friend-zoned and prefer cats over dogs and San Francisco over Oakland. Mainly, though, and in this context - a single blade Guillotine is too akin to the desperate results of kitchen knife/cutting board. There stands to be squishing on account of blunt surface involvements. Wanna step up the fancy and potentially stab yerself in the schmeckel when you sit? Hey, try a cigar scissor.

Lettuce then discuss ye olde Punch Cut. As a fan of milder smoking experiences, I have oft employed this tact. Well, shy of oft. By punching a smallish hole through the cap in lieu of cutting it fully away, less smoke is ear-marked for your smoke-hole. What this method says about you is that you are either a knowledgeable mild cigar aficionado, or you are a scavenger of the sale bin and got this on the cheap since so many fewer smokers line up to purchase this option. Either reason, I might add, would end in me liking the cut of yer jib. Also, try punching the slope of a torpedo or Belicoso format and angling the smoke right at yer tongue, then palate. These sorta exercises are reasons why I am not invited out a lot. A note: tar tends to build up with this method -- purging is recommended. What is purging? Later. Later, is what purging is.

Now we get to the V-Cut. This is a sloppy way of cutting dangerously far into the cigar portion of the cigar and thus has the opposite effect of the Punch Cut. You'll flood your smoke-hole with smoke and your smoke will most likely be burning unevenly as you do, especially since yer probably smoking a 64 ring gauge offering, ya American Market sheep. I kid, I kid because I love. Please allow me to love further. If this is your personal preference, you tend to call all of your friends Broseph and, also, there are not many opportunities for you to say Broseph. Seriously tho, if you go this way, buy a very good cutter and keep it sharp as a matzoh. lest yer cigar be twice as crumby.

I don't mean to make you gentlepersons schvitz, but choosing the wrong cutter led to Michael Jordan's retirement. Look it up. In light of this largess importance, I believe I have handled this EXTRAORDINARILY well and you are quite welcome for this cigar primer portion. Now lettuce all splash some water on our faces and change our socks and then delve on into --

TOASTING & LIGHTING

Meh. Next time.

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POSTSCRIPT: I would like to share just a tick mo'. Funny (not haha) how word travels fast 'roud the lifestyle. At the time of my writing this, I can actually trace the latest bit a' word directly to its nameless herein source. Succinctly? There's a lot of "alternative facts" passed around. Summation? It is perfectly both fine and dandy to use something other than a punch on a well affixed triple cap. 'Nuff.

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