A Sherlock Holmes Fight Night Recap | Canonical Characters Square Off in the Boxing Ring
I often find parody, more-so than pastiche, successfully captures the essence of the Sherlock Holmes world. But hey, I could be wrong.
CAIRNS- AMBERLEY
Josiah Amberley scored a thunderous opening-round knock-down. Surviving that, Patrick Cairns got his timing down and counter-punched/defended himself on his way to a sixth-round TKO victory. Cairns exhibited somewhat of an issue pressing the action but proved to excel while working off Amberley's madly aggressive and awkward stalkings. Stamina proved an issue for the one-legged Amberley and his over-developed upper-body. Overheard between rounds was Cairns asking repeatedly, "What's so bad about rum?"
MILVERTON-BASKERVILLE
Dark dealings were apparent here, as renowned blackmailer Charles Augustus Milverton scored an opening round knock-out at the 16-second mark via a jab to Sir Henry's midsection that caught an awful lot of glove. In a post-fight interview, Baskerville made it clear that, "I thought Beryl was his sister! I'm tired of having this held over my head." Some confusion occurred here, as this unsavory affair was made quite public in 1901. 1902, the latest. What the deuce? Proof yet again that man often erects his own prison cells.
ADLER-MORSTAN
WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP
Irene Adler almost and maybe did theatrically steal many rounds with flurries at the end. Nevertheless, Mary stoically and dutifully plowed ahead and controlled much of the action and pace throughout. Albeit in a somewhat plodding and oddly overly polite fashion. Thus, the 10-round decision went to Mary Morstan, Watson's first(?) of who knows how many wives. Watson was overheard ringside, speaking to an unnamed fellow about it being nice to allow a spouse to go off alone on the occasional adventure.
ROYLOTT-LESTRADE
After a quite dazzling ring walk display that included many an exotic animal, Dr. Roylott succumbed to the unimaginative yet technically superior Inspector Lestrade's pugilistic skills. R did land a shot or two that rocked L but the inspector showcased his defensive efficiency and weathered at least one storm. In the 8th round, Grimsley Roylott had a point deducted due to attempting to bite L as if he was some sort of fictitious snake. R did not answer the round 9 bell. Instead, he yelled across the ring, "I'll kill you like I killed my wife! Why do people not just assume that I killed my wife, too?!"
WATSON-MORIARTY
Watson bravely fought through a pair of nagging yet vaguely-placed injuries to secure a third-round KO and painfully almost cringy lop-sided victory. Moriarty put on a physical display that one might expect from an advanced-aged mathematician with a bad back. Afterward, Holmes berated W for his lack of ability in carrying Moriarty in a more convincing manner. "I myself made the whole world believe this man pushed me off a blasted waterfall!" In response, Watson gingerly rubbed his shoulder as he complained of searing leg pain.
HOLMES-MORAN
The hands of time hold still for no man, and perhaps a different outcome would have occurred if this fight had been fought a decade earlier. As such, a stiffly upright Holmes was able to ole each savage charge of the fierce yet old man Sebastian Moran. Yet each savage charge grew increasingly savage and finally H perhaps inadvertently, reacted with a Baritsu maneuver that got him disqualified in the 4th round. "It was a few delicious minutes," said Holmes as he casually wiped the colonel's blood from his stiletto's blade. "It's called BARTITSU, roared out Moran from under the ring doctor's needle and thread.
MAIN EVENT
CHAMPIONSHIP BOUT
MATHEWS-WILLIAMS
"Mathews, who knocked out my left canine in the waiting-room at Charing Cross." - Holmes, The Adventure of the Empty House. "Williams, who drove you to-night, was one of them. He was once light-weight champion of England." - The Sign of the Four. (If you haven't noticed, I have not designated weight-classes here.)
That said, and despite some ring rust, Williams controlled Mathews at the bout's onset prior to being overwhelmed by Mathews and suffering some damage in the middle rounds. Thrillingly, W took his licking and kept on ticking, until it began to look as though he'd dance out on top on the score cards. Then, in the 11th round, M caught him with a haymaker that sent him hurling to the canvas. The bout continued to its scheduled conclusion, with Mathews garnering the split-decision victory and the title.
All round, a superb night at the fights.
Who will dethrone Mathews? Did Williams have a rematch clause in his contract? Is Moriarty set to hang 'em up? Will Moran ever stop roaring like a deranged animal? Will Holmes be able to retain his boxing license? Will Baskerville ever allow himself to shine? Who is Mary's next challenger? Who else will throw down? All, some, or none of these questions just might be answered at some point in the future!
FURTHER KAPLOWITZ MEDIA. READING
A Few Delicious Minutes | Looking at a Sidney Paget Illustration from Sherlock Holmes The Adventure of the Solitary Cyclist
