Excerpt from the Kaplowitz Media. Unnamed Cigar Dictionary Project
As you Gentlepersons hopefully know or are at the ::: very ::: least now FINALLY aware of under that rock of yours, I am constructing a Cigar Dictionary. A book. It is yet to have been named. Its working title is "Unnamed Cigar Dictionary" (UCD). I will change that "As soon as possible" (ASAP). Nevertheless, the idea of the whole thing, the game plan, is that I will blog the process of creating & assembling the UCD on a non-scheduled basis. Included in these blog posts will be my thoughts regarding said creating & assembling process--and as we get closer to it being a book proper, the process of that, as well. Please note that not everything, including the whole or part of definitions, will appear in the finished book. Each of these posts will look like some slight variation of this...
When I was in Junior HS, I began cutting class. Ditching. Often whole days. I would check into homeroom and leave. Sometimes I just skipped ahead to leaving--which is to say I never went. In the eventual lessening events I did have to drop in, I'd be so rattled by the experience that thereafter, I'd have to watch Bob Ross on PBS in order to calm down in my parents' empty apartment. Maybe nap. Then, it was off to the Gravesend Branch of the Brooklyn Public Library, where I'd devour anything and eventually everything in its reference section. I'd read through atlases, dictionaries, encyclopedias, almanacs. I'm put in mind of that, as I insult legitimate Lexicographers everywhere with this ridiculous attempt.
Aficionado A degree for which no coursework nor diploma has ever been conceived or received. When self-applied, generally signifies someone who almost knows enough as to be considered dangerous. Thankfully, if ignored, this danger only presents to themselves. The word ‘affection’ appears as part of the "aficionado" etymology. ‘Gentle’ appears in affection’s definition. Gentle is vastly forgotten among many a ham-fisted opinionated Aficionado. A sure sign of one of these self-proclaimed aficionados is the setting and enforcing of arbitrary rules of enjoyment via blind regurgitation.
Here it becomes obvious that I will be inserting my take into the definitions. Other insertions will include look-sees at etiquette and my thoughts on the cigar industry. Yes, I am totally writing the UCD to make friends and get invited to all the fancy parties and roof-top-over-strips hot-spots. Wish me luck, I'm off to rent a tux!
Bulk Or Pilon, or Tojes, or Burro. After the Curing Barn, comes the warehouse, and there, tobacco is gathered into units called Hands. These hands are piled into a bulk of tobacco that can weigh as much as or more than 4,000 pounds. LIKE YOUR MOM. This is all arranged to allow and foster fermentation. The weight of the bulk itself and its inherent moisture causes heat; when a certain temperature is reached within the bulk, workers disassemble it and build it all over again. The process is repeated many times over many months. I apologize, as I am sure your mother is a wonderful lady.
Your mom.
Cigar Boom A period from the early to mid-late 1990s that began, in part, due to Marvin Shanken launching his Cigar Aficionado magazine. In an alternate dimension, it was Al Goldstein’s short-lived CIGAR* publication that hit newsstands some decade earlier, which served to spearhead the craze. I bet that would have had some advantages–alongside obvious disadvantages--namely keeping the hobby an underground hush-hush and backroom thing, far from the prying eyes of both Karens, Chads, and maybe even the FDA. Oh, well. Instead: mainstream.
It is important to note that at the time of this writing, the year of our Lord 2021, we are in another yet quite different boom. And we have been for a goodly spell. Why then, is the majority of our literature either directly from, or derivative of, that previous 1990s boom? This is a new age, a new boom, powered by a new breed of cigar smoker. This will be the book, the dictionary, for them. And probably for you.
Actually, I’ll probably plug that last bit into the preface, as well. Let’s be honest–I snagged and lightly re-wrote it from my blogged announcement of this project. NEW MEDIA, BAY-BEEE! See: NEW Kaplowitz Media. PROJECT ANNOUNCEMENT.
*I wrote more about Al Goldstein regarding his CIGAR foray: On Al Goldstein & On if You're Old Enough to SCREW, Why Can't You CIGAR?
All UCD excerpts will be listed in the Cigarticles & Pipelines page, found HERE.
Aficionado A degree for which no coursework nor diploma has ever been conceived or received. When self-applied, generally signifies someone who almost knows enough as to be considered dangerous. Thankfully, if ignored, this danger only presents to themselves. The word ‘affection’ appears as part of the "aficionado" etymology. ‘Gentle’ appears in affection’s definition. Gentle is vastly forgotten among many a ham-fisted opinionated Aficionado. A sure sign of one of these self-proclaimed aficionados is the setting and enforcing of arbitrary rules of enjoyment via blind regurgitation.
Here it becomes obvious that I will be inserting my take into the definitions. Other insertions will include look-sees at etiquette and my thoughts on the cigar industry. Yes, I am totally writing the UCD to make friends and get invited to all the fancy parties and roof-top-over-strips hot-spots. Wish me luck, I'm off to rent a tux!
Bulk Or Pilon, or Tojes, or Burro. After the Curing Barn, comes the warehouse, and there, tobacco is gathered into units called Hands. These hands are piled into a bulk of tobacco that can weigh as much as or more than 4,000 pounds. LIKE YOUR MOM. This is all arranged to allow and foster fermentation. The weight of the bulk itself and its inherent moisture causes heat; when a certain temperature is reached within the bulk, workers disassemble it and build it all over again. The process is repeated many times over many months. I apologize, as I am sure your mother is a wonderful lady.
Your mom.
Cigar Boom A period from the early to mid-late 1990s that began, in part, due to Marvin Shanken launching his Cigar Aficionado magazine. In an alternate dimension, it was Al Goldstein’s short-lived CIGAR* publication that hit newsstands some decade earlier, which served to spearhead the craze. I bet that would have had some advantages–alongside obvious disadvantages--namely keeping the hobby an underground hush-hush and backroom thing, far from the prying eyes of both Karens, Chads, and maybe even the FDA. Oh, well. Instead: mainstream.
It is important to note that at the time of this writing, the year of our Lord 2021, we are in another yet quite different boom. And we have been for a goodly spell. Why then, is the majority of our literature either directly from, or derivative of, that previous 1990s boom? This is a new age, a new boom, powered by a new breed of cigar smoker. This will be the book, the dictionary, for them. And probably for you.
Actually, I’ll probably plug that last bit into the preface, as well. Let’s be honest–I snagged and lightly re-wrote it from my blogged announcement of this project. NEW MEDIA, BAY-BEEE! See: NEW Kaplowitz Media. PROJECT ANNOUNCEMENT.
*I wrote more about Al Goldstein regarding his CIGAR foray: On Al Goldstein & On if You're Old Enough to SCREW, Why Can't You CIGAR?
All UCD excerpts will be listed in the Cigarticles & Pipelines page, found HERE.
@kaplowitzmedia
Twitter | Instagram
::: very :::