Tuesday, April 27, 2021

Five Important Pieces of Terrible Advice for Nascent Cigar Smokers

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Five Important Pieces of Terrible Advice for Nascent Cigar Smokers

1. So you've decided to smoke cigars. You should immediately bring this monumentous decision into your identity by relentlessly referring to yourself as a "cigar guy." A thing cigar guys do is cigar guys smoke cigars all the time. They smoke while golfing, mowing the yard, eating/drinking, and doing EVERYTHING. Particularly make sure to take selfies while smoking under/next to No Smoking signs (but I get ahead of myself by a step). Begin to think and maybe even think aloud thoughts which begin with "As a cigar guy..." This will help you make both small and large choices through the lens of cigars--even if you would at first believe one has nothing to do with the other. For instance "As a cigar guy what watch should I buy?" 

2. Speaking of selfies & watches that look cool in pics of you holding a smoke, have you incorporated Cigar Guy into your social media name yet? Why the holy fuck not? Simply keep your first name & change your last name to something like TheCigarGuy, TheCigarBoss, or simply Cigars. Or vice-versa if you wanna go wild; say CigarGuy ______. Make sure to connect with other ______ TheCigarGuys and also with cigar industry figures. Join a minimum of 100 cigar groups on Facebook. POST THOSE PICTURES of what you smoke to all those groups as well as to your profile. Some said cigar industry figures might even send you free cigars in order for you to take pictures of/with their product! 

3. Got some free sticks from cigar industry figures? You must be ::: very ::: special. You definitely have a knack for this. START REVIEWING CIGARS PRONTO. You'll find YouTube to be the easiest platform to start on. Just talk into the camera on your phone & upload! What can be easier? I'll tell you what's not easier--actually reviewing cigars. That's, in effect, rather complex if not downright difficult to grow into. DO NOT ATTEMPT GROWTH. Cover your ass by degrading 'other' cigar reviewers as well as cigar reviews in your cigar review videos, in which you don't actually review cigars but say that you do. Brilliant!!! Also, wear swag from the company whose cigar you are/n't reviewing at the time. It lends credence.

4. You're doing great! Now get more cigars. A lot more. No, more. Much, much more. More than more. Never settle for a solo desktop humidor, those are not for real cigar smokers the likes of you. They are for not real cigar smokers, and look at ya--you've probably been smoking for most of six months now! Check out C-bid. [side note: always publicly lament your amount of C-bid purchases. Make mention of shopping while drunk and/or pissing off your wife lol.] You still listening? This is of utmost importance... Set up Tupperdors and a Coolerdor, post-haste. Post-haste means ASAP. Publicly ask stupid questions which have all been answered a million times before, regarding your Tupperdor/Coolerdor. People must know that you have many, many cigars.

5. Become an authority by continuing to state your authority using hyperbole. Words like EPIC, & phrases like GAME CHANGER should be used in reference to yourself as well as your body of work (maybe a half-dozen videos). Be completely ignorant of things like comparative and vertical/horizontal tastings so that you might claim to have invented them. Don't worry about being caught here, seeing as your viewers have already proved to be even dumber than you. Begin to call out large groups of random people as 'not real cigar smokers' and also keep on w/ 'bullshit reviewers.' Double-down on that angle by calling BS on actual tasting notes and ratings. Say "I'll just tell you if I like the cigar or not." Then blast others for being subjective.

To borrow from John Updike, "To these concrete five might be added a vaguer sixth," Always go with the Crowned Heads hat and Drew Estate t-shirt. Carpe diem. Carpe diem means YOLO.