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Wednesday, July 18, 2018

A Redux Look at the Casual Athletic Apparel (Sweats) Color Palette - Lifestyle by Kaplowitz

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Boomtime Confusion 51st, YOLD 3184

Welcome to my first installment of THIS.
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For some time now, I've been preaching the following re: the wearing sweatsuits 101. Here's some bullet points -- well, hold on. This is very much a tale of "upon further consideration(s)." So lettuce begin @ the beginning. My first consideration, circa 8/14/17, stemming from a reader A-ing the Q:

CAN I WEAR MY SWEATPANTS TO THE CIGAR LOUNGE?

Yes. From there to three-piece suit. I give that spectrum because I feel the true query is "How slovenly may I dress?" Lettuce just cover, then, all what I know a' sweats. For some care is required and I feel it to be a topic of no small import. And one close to my heart. Close to my thighs... [testicles, butt...]

One must first understand that thou shalt not wear plastic and/or nylon. I'm speaking herein of cotton or cotton/poly blend, heavy knit materials... elastic waist... introduced in the 1920s by one Mr. Emile Camuset... Savvy? Good. Furthermore, there are three (3) appropriate and/or acceptable colors of which to opt, cigar lounge or not: grey, black, and navy blue. Furthermore, furthermore? Soitenly!
  • GREY: The classic. The go-to. The cannot miss. Dress down-to-up; light to dark hue'd.
  • BLACK: Formal to funky, the more well-worn and age-d, the more toward funky.
  • BLUE: Wear sparingly. The novelty sock a' allowable sweatpants. 
What's more, only wear sweats with elastic cuffs, lest ya look like yer wearing PJs, and that ain't cool. Never wear anything with a logo unless you are on that particular corporation's pay-roll. Actually -- no designs at all. Try not to go all sweat tuxedo in matching tops and bottoms. In grey, you'll look like Rocky. In black, a puppeteer. In navy blue, a police academy flunky.

Sweatshirts? Glad ya unasked. Color wheel spins under the same afore-listed rules -- BUT -- only wear full zip-up fronts. NO PULL-OVERS. Instead, wear a long-sleeved white T-shirt. White T-shirts are a topic for another FUQ. Quite important, they. Perchance the very most-so.

Care and maintenance of sweats: Shave off pills with a disposable razor. Wash inside-out on gentle cycle. Hang dry. That'll ensure fewer pills to shave. Now get out there and hit up yer B&M, Gentlepersons.


Alas, Plato was credited with the quote, "An unexamined life is not worth living." & so I lived, and mainly-so in sweatpants & on chillier days in their accompanying myriad styles of tops. In doing-so, I found I need to amend-some. I shall below,

"One must first understand that thou shalt not wear plastic and/or nylon." OK, no. The tracksuit and training pants are both hereby deemed fully appropriate and too, to fall under the same rules insofar as color palette as do sweats. 'Nuff.

"Furthermore, there are three (3) appropriate and/or acceptable colors of which to opt, cigar lounge or not: grey, black, and navy blue." OK again, no. This subject was actually, as reads the title of this column, the impetus for said column. First off, fuck Navy Blue -- I could never get it to work. In the realm of greys I elsewhere, a podcast perhaps, made mention of a hierarchy of the shade. It goes/went casual to dress casual, heather to charcoal. I must now say there is no need beyond the classic, traditional, & original heather varietal. Ash, whatever. The pale one. 

You see, it is far more a good thing to either dress up heather grey or dress down the formal black. There is no need to hedge bets in a cowardly med. grey way. 

"What's more, only wear sweats with elastic cuffs," Sorta no? A refined ditto? Alright, another delving... when speaking of solid-colored and lower more casual quality sweats, think Fruit of the Loom basic stuff, refined ditto. But with the intro of tracksuits and soon to be approval (read on) of logos -- sorta no. Which begs...

"Actually -- no designs at all." Adidas is fine & Recommended, even. As far as brands, one needs only that & Fruit of the Loom. Well, Crocs for the feet (original & black) because I'm partial to plastic shoes. 

Also, "Try not to go all sweat tuxedo in matching tops and bottoms. In grey, you'll look like Rocky. In black, a puppeteer. In navy blue, a police academy flunky." This is a tricky bit with the removal of med.-dk grey. Thankfully with the addition of Adidas logo to break the eye, 'Tis a tick easier. Also, forget no your accessories. I mean they too are the same color palette, but also possible eye break opportunities. PLUS, lettuce not overlook the long-sleeved white t-shirt to fend off a slight chill. No need to jump straight into sweats, tho I know the comfy temptation is great. In warmer weather, you'll be wearing a white T or wifebeater, anyways, about 95% of the time. The 5% is reserved for dressy and warm weather affairs which call, obviously, for black t-shirts.

A far more delicate matter is playing with the idea of different-colored sweat shorts or B-Ball style shorts over-top pants. Be ever-so careful here/there. This ain't rookie territory.

"Sweatshirts? Glad ya unasked. Color wheel spins under the same afore-listed rules -- BUT -- only wear full zip-up fronts. NO PULL-OVERS." Fuck that, pull-over hoodies rule. I also dig the partial zippered ones that you have to pull-over. (Same color-wheel applies up-top as down-below, natch.)

"Now get out there and hit up yer B&M, Gentlepersons." 

No. 

Hit the motherfucking WORLD.

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