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Sunday, January 27, 2019

"Baby, It's Cold Outside" (Potentially Triggering Cigar Names) | Cigar View by Kaplowitz

"Have you Kaplowitz'd to-day?"

- Me

"I really can't stay (Baby it's cold outside)
I gotta go away (Baby it's cold outside)
This evening has been (Been hoping that you'd dropped in)
So very nice (I'll hold your hands they're just like ice)"

- Frank Loesser

"Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks
Lick on these nuts and suck the dick."

-Snoop Dog

See? It's damned tricky out there, Gentlepersons. No real, real telling what side of the fence you'll be pushed on over-to, or over on-to. I mean there are certain universal no-nos... ejaculating into houseplants and seeing pants as ever-optional attire, let's say. There remains, tho, a whole lotta grey.

Lately, I've been annoying my special lady friend by cataloging then singing loudly... LOUDLY... from what I have deemed a new genre of music -- the potentially banned song (Baby, It's Cold Outside). Sting makes a strange amount of appearances, for the record. I won't go into detail, but stalker much? lol (Or am I thinking Genesis?)

Nor will I shine attention on these songs and performers thereof -- it ain't my place and I am not one to stir feces. Necessarily. However, cigars occupy a special place in my heart and I feel I must send out a warning to the following most likely accidental offenders so that they might correct their nom de tobacco choices before the #MeToo train rolls recklessly into their proverbial station.

[Note: I am approaching this alphabetically, whilst scrolling through my list of Cigar Reviews.]

& it don't take too long a stroll into the ABCs to find the Alec Bradley "It's a Boy." I mean did you ask it, or did you assume its gender? -- you cis white male swine. Interestingly, I deemed "It's a Girl" to be fine... but only in reference to a feminine boy. You might wanna take notes here if you were born prior to say 1970. I'm not going to say stuff won't get confusing.

Oh, look. There's one right away again, right under B. The Black Label Trading Co. (BLTC) Cigars Bishops Blend 2018. A lot of people find the Catholic Church to be quite offensive and in that context "Bishop" is a bigger Trigger than Roy Rogers' famed palomino horse. Let's do better, James Brown. Also -- change your name -- that name appeared almost as often as Sting's (Genesis?) on my aforementioned list.

To paraphrase an interviewer:
Don't you think you went a little too far with the Catholic Church [jokes]?

Bill Burr:
Don't you think the Catholic Church went a little too far? Moreso than my cartoon, a couple of jokes...

C is for Catholic and also for Caldwell's Long Live the King. Perpetuating the patriarchy purposefully, while excellent alliteration, is totes frowned upon these days. This is a matter easily righted. Simply name something "Queen" something and hide its male genitalia under a frilly dress (see: "It's a Girl"). Then send me a box, will ya Robert? thx. [dis]Honorable mention under the C header goes to the woefully far too 'penis-y' CAO Amazon ANACONDA. Although the Amazonian nod to women warriors (survivors) might just save this one... but better safe than social media sorry.

This is becoming so much more of an insidious issue than I had predicted. I'm fully disgusted by Deadwood's Fat Bottom Betty. Real women come in all sizes and real (read: all) women are beautiful. Regardless if they need to wear couch covers as blouses. Body shaming is maybe the biggest hardest nope going, chrissakes. [No comment on the Deadwood - Viagra imagery invoked.] Sadly, this transgression pales in comparison to the other D entry -- Steve Saka's Dunbarton Mi Querida. (jajaja* @ "D entry" vagina joke) *#buildthewall (immigration joke).

For those who don't know, Mi Querida refers to a mistress kept secret of both your wife and mistress A. Mistress B (Mi Querida) is a total whore and most likely degraded beyond belief. Nevertheless, she is someone's daughter -- although again most likely disowned or at least not invited to Christmas dinner. CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE. Also check your Viagra stock because that is a lot of humping, my horny horny friend.

F? Felix Assouline Cigars EGO Black "Dark Lord" ... actually, I think Satanic references are OK nowadays. Although I would recommend "African-American" in lieu of "Black." But who am I, really? Just a man trying to better my fellow man, that's who. Also, I've decided to end this editorial at F because of #leastmode and, pardon my F|rench, F this shit. I don't really speak French but in the interest of full disclosure, I'm a HUGE Jerry Lewis fan so close 'nuff.

Maybe I just wanna end on a high note.

This post should have been but wasn't sponsored by Gillette. A brand that knows men do the shaving but women do the household purchasing. 

Report a typo, win a No-prize.

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